the baby human experience

The Readiness to Change

2012-02-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

And suddenly Easton is a bonafide human. I don't know when or how it happened, but Easton's vocabulary and comprehension took off one day. He went from a bumbling mumbler, to a full-fledged communicator, hilarious face-maker, and sarcastic-filled being. It's really entertaining, he has such a funny personality. Too bad it took him many years longer than his sister to show it to us!

People around us are noticing too. It's one of those "Oh, I guess I need to watch what I'm saying" moments that all parents have around their children. But honestly, this happened overnight. I think this adds to the hilarity of his awareness, it's almost like he just woke up! His 'a-ha' moment, as Oprah would say, came exactly when he was ready.

It's funny how kids will do things when they're ready, they don't want to be pushed, and they work on their own internal clock. I've been struggling with Sylvia's reading for the past year now, and her school is amazing about teaching thorough comprehension and sight words (knowing better than me that you can't force kids into it). She has been reading bits here and there, but rarely in front of us, and totally in denial about it. "No mom, I can't read that. It's too hard," she'll say to us, knowing full well she can and has read it many times over. But Syl is a perfectionist about certain things, and pronouncing a word incorrectly has been a fear for her. She'd rather not try then try and fail (poor thing).

But again, the lesson of the day, she shows us she does know how to read, and she is full expressing comprehension and proper use of grammar. She read me 4 books last night, enunciating and using proper inflections at all the right places. It's amazing to see how her head works, how the light bulb is on, and why she was frustrated to try. Reading is hard, I can't imagine learning another language (which is what learning to read seems akin to). But I can safely say that not only is she getting it, but she's loving it. I'm so proud of her!

Preschool Prep

2012-02-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

Easton has started going to a small, 'Mom's Day Out' preschool program once a week. I'd be lying if I were to say it sucks, because frankly it's been beyond awesome. I can somehow cram a ton of work into 2.5 hours of alone time that often when I pick him up, I'm sweating. Seriously, that's how fast I roll. The first week he was intrigued, the second week he really didn't want to be there, and the third week I didn't even warn him, which left him no time to psych himself out. Every time I pick him up he's super happy, a sign that he loves it. They do crafts (which I can just picture how that goes down), play in the church gym with the older kids, have snacks, sing and dance, and listen to stories. It's the easiest intro to preschool that I know, and thus far it's awesome. We planned on doing it next fall, but decided to send him to Lafayette, a preschool that Syl attended. It's more affordable and the main woman has been there for 35 years. Yes, I have friends that attended her preschool as small children. Amazing. Plus they have every original Fischer Price toy ever made, some from 40 years ago! It's 3 mornings a week, and though I wish it were 4 hours, it'll do.

I'm planning my year out and it's already looking full. As I agree to shoot more weddings on my own, I'm working with 2 area photographers as second shooter to their weddings. It's a lovely and symbiotic relationship that I will probably continue, at least until Easton is in school full-time. As some of you know, it's incredibly difficult to work from home when your child is mobile. And sometimes my child is not only mobile, but he is airborn. Right now, work is slow, and I try to dedicate lots of solo time with the boy. Yet when spring and fall hit, I have to be realistic about my schedule and Easton receiving proper attention.

One goal we've been trying to reach is potty-training. And I'll be honest, it's failing miserably. This is most likely because he's not ready, but it's also because we just don't have time. Syl picked it up so easily and quickly, that I really don't know what approach to take with him. My ped told me to wait until it's warm out so he can just be naked. But do you live in St. Louis? We've been having the mildest season ever, which lends itself well to nakedness. Yet he still pes and poops wherever he feels the need to, a sign of his unreadiness to train.

It's ok, I'm just a bit nervous to have him be the only child in his entire class in diapers. Syl was in this same class a few years back, and no one wore diapers. Sure, 3 & 4 year olds may have accidents, but all of them were potty-trained. So crap, literally.

The Ego

2012-01-11T10:35:00.001-08:00

I suppose I'm not going to win mom of the year of performing the opposite of what's considered acceptable parenting these days, but I compliment my children. Sure, I do the mindless 'good job' a lot (which I've recently read is the equivalent to pouring drano down their throats, so now I attempt to give a 'you did it' which is much more socially acceptable), and we hi-five a lot, and I hug on a regular basis (nightmares, I'm causing). I had always believed that lots of positive reinforcement would equate to a confident and well-adjusted adult (that probably always needs their mommy around to give copious amounts of hi-fives).

Until recently I hadn't seen the actual affects of said positivity. But it all changed last night. Sylvia went to a schoolmates house after school to play. When she got home, she told me how well they played, how they got along splendidly, how her house is way more awesome than our house and why can't we have a house like theirs, ect ect... I digress. She did mention of a slight hiccup that occurred in their JOYFUL evening of BLISS: they got in a disagreement.

Syl: Camille (name not accurate for sake of karma or something) and I got into a fight and we had to take a few minutes away from each other.

Me: Oh, that's too bad, but it happens. We all can't get along all the time.

Syl: Well, she gets really bossy.

Me: And you don't?

Syl: Well, I told her that when you have company over you have to do everything they say.

Me: That's a bit of a stretch, Syl. What we usually say is that you need to try to share and play kindly with your guests, not dictate everything you do together.

Syl: That's what she was doing, she wanted to do everything her way.

Me: Did you work it out?

Syl: She got really whiny, so I walked away and said I couldn't play with her. And you know what I sat and thought about?

Me: What?

Syl: I thought about all the things I know and Camille doesn't. I'm so much smarter than her, mom (chuckling proudly). It's unbelievable mom, it really is.

Me: (stunned, silent)

Syl: You're always saying how smart and special I am, and this just proved it to me.

Me: Listen (you little spoiled brat, though I kept that to myself) honey, we all know what we know and we can all learn more. You have no idea what she knows and she doesn't know everything you know. It's impossible to know whom is smarter, and it is so not important.

Syl: Then why do you tell me all the time?

Point taken, I guess I need to kick her down a few pedestals:)

Easton, 3 year check-up

2012-01-06T16:30:00.001-08:00

I would throw up a random photo of my son but I don't have one handy. But you guys remember what he looks like: short, shaved head, a spitting image of his daddy. Easton turned 3 almost 1 month ago and I had his appointment planned well in advance, too well in advance in fact. Yes, I totally spaced it and had to reschedule for over 3 weeks later. Which is why I scheduled it so early, dammit.

Anyspacecadetmotherway, he is as healthy as the crazy nut could be. He weighed in at 33 lbs and was 38" tall, which translates into 85% height and 50% weight, long and lean. Awesome, my son eats cookies for breakfast and somehow maintains and "long and lean" physique. Meanwhile, mama pounds her ass off at the gym 6 days a week and is considered "curvy." Standards.

I love our pediatrician, she is a down to earth mama of 4 (boys) and totally gets it all. Whatever issue I think I have, she always puts me at ease and blames it all on the age, the gender, or something beyond my control. I like that about her, it makes some guilt melt away.

So yes, Easton is 3, the ever-running ball of monkey energy. And I'm exhausted.

From the mouth of Sylvia

2012-01-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

We've been going through a particularly "emotional" patch with Syl these days. One would think that being on a holiday break from school for over 2 weeks would boost one's happy quotas. But alas, Syl is a difficult one to please.

When having a trying morning with her brother, I started to lose my patience with her. Here's how the conversation went down...

Me: Syl, you need to try and verbalize your emotions. It seems like lately you're constantly on the verge of tears all the time, what is going on?

Syl: (tears welling up, bottom lip trembling, on the verge of said tears) I'm not sure

Me: Well, maybe you need to go into your room and have a moment to gather your thoughts.

Syl: Mom, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Me: (scared shitless that it's going to be something totally insane and awful) Go on babe.

Syl: (maintaining total and complete seriousness) I'm different than everyone else Mom. You see, you just don't know everything about me.

Me: (trying with ever muscle in my body to not start hysterically laughing) Oh, I didn't know. What is it that makes you different, besides the fact that everyone is different?

Syl: Well, are you ready? Mom, when I close my eyes at night, I see sprinkles... Sparkly sprinkles... and they carry me off to dreamland. And sometimes, I feel as though I'm falling into a hole and I jolt awake.

Me: (still trying to hold my shit together and kicking myself for not always carrying a recorder on me)

Syl: It makes me different Mom, and I'm sorry I never told you about this.

After waiting a few moments to contain myself from laughing to the point of tears, mainly because of her absolute naive sweetness, but kind of because of how dramatic my kid is, I explain to her that this happens to me too. Her aunt was there also, and she agreed that is happens to her also.

Me: I hope I didn't burst your bubble that this doesn't only happen to you, that this is totally normal. I love you and I still think you're really special.

SYl: Thank you for still loving me.

Open House

2012-01-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

The school Sylvia attends is having it's annual open house. If you live in the city and are seeking an alternative to the schools offered to your children, please come visit Soulard School. It's a small, private school that works on a sliding scale (which for our family made it about half the price of the catholic school she had previously attended). This place is truly magical, inspiring, and amazing. The teachers are the best, and the staff strives to be on the cutting edge of educational strategies. Plus, no homework! Let me know if you have personal questions/concerns about the school and I'll be happen to answer them to the best of my knowledge.

Argh, it's not a resolution list I PROMISE

2011-12-29T22:11:00.001-08:00

Here's what I've been doing too much of:

~eating things with peanut butter (pb oreos, pb m&m's, holiday cookies with no peanuts but lots of butter)

~trying to figure out if my lack of any work in January is due to the copious amounts of work I just finished

~attempting to make a move, crippled by making a move (it's figurative, I ain't going nowhere)

~having lackluster workouts, resulting in me possibly signing up for classes entitled 'spinning and yoga' or 'tnt'

~allowing my children to squab so I can be jealous of all the crafty and talented people online

~avoiding a few final editing jobs (self-inflicting deadlines is hard!)

~drinking white wine (damn you, Trader Joe's $2.99 Pinot Grigio)

~stepping on scales (why oh why would you do that this month?)

~neurotically checking all my coupon venues (living social, groupon, ect) for getaway deals and almost booking many very bizarre and different trips

~daydreaming

~living ungraciously (had to throw something zen up in there)

~dreaming of more time without the kids

~laying on the floor and playing exactly what the kids want me to play

~ignoring that pile of crap holiday toys I still need to go through

~eating red meat (I'm now realizing the link to the first thing and how it's almost that time of the month, which, on a rant, I think we need an emoticon for which leads me to...

~using too many emoticons. how and why and when did that happen me?

~grateful for this NYE wedding I'm second shooting because damn, I'm broke

What have you been doing in excess? And do you feel as guilty as me about it?

PS spell check, I believe I KNOW how to spell the wine I drink quite often, thankyouverymuch.

Tradition

2011-12-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

We try to make holiday traditions that are not only cheap/free/affordable, but that are magical and strictly December based. This is our second trip to the Nutcracker, and it was awesome. At $5/ticket for the school performance, it's a shortened version with the same cast as the extended one. And let's be real, 1 hour in a dark auditorium with school-aged children is long enough.

But for the past 2 weeks, Sylvia has been over the moon excited for this event. It is, by far, her favorite holiday activity. We were bummed to miss it last year due to school, so I pulled her out for a day (the school didn't want to make a field trip out of it, which is such a disappointment). I love Touhill at UMSL's campus, it's bright and airy and the staff is great. Though Easton got extra wiggly about halfway through, nothing a handful of snacks couldn't fix.

I highly recommend it to those of you with children that can't sit through the normal 2.5 hour performance. It's a great tradition to start and love.

Oh My

2011-12-07T21:09:00.001-08:00

I can't believe that I'm almost 34. This is blowing my mind on a daily basis.

To Hear it from the Others

2011-12-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

We had our first ever kindergarten parent-teacher conference last week. We love her 2 teachers so much, that most of the time was eaten up by the silly chit-chat amongst friends (parent-teacher friends). Then there came the part where we go over her recent assessment test and the 3 days it took her to finish it (my little slow-poke). She did great, so great, perfect to be exact. No, I don't think scoring 100% on a kindergarten assessment means jack in the long run. And no I don't judge my kid on silly tests like these. But it's so interesting to see how her cognitive abilities have evolved in the past 4 months of her being at school full time. She has developed the ability to understand things that are more complex than I would've thought of, and it amazes me how much she thrives in an environment that is pushed by others.

On top of the math and reading skills she is developing (she still isn't fully reading yet, but she has many sight words and is understanding concepts that lead to solo reading. they do not push reading at this age at this school, so I've let go of concerns and understand she'll get there and get the comprehension too), her teachers made it a great point to tell us some interesting things about our child. Sylvia is incredibly compassionate. She is mindful of other's feelings, and is always looking out for her friends. She is the only girl in her class that plays equally with the girls and boys, and she dislikes the separation of the sexes (my little feminist). She is so kind, that she many times "phones a friend" to help answer a question, usually a friend that she has noticed hasn't raised their hands in a while, and asks them for help answering, even though she clearly will know the answer. The teachers noticed this a while ago, and don't push her to answer even though they know she knows. They believe this is such a kind and sweet notion that they let her do it. And oh how it made me teary when they told us this. She is happy, she is learning to work with others, she has a kind heart, and she is loving the art of learning without even realizing she's learning.

And that is why we are at this amazing school.

My Children and Their Loathe for the Camera

2011-12-01T10:55:00.001-08:00

This were seriously the only shots that were decent enough for a holiday card this year (the first one is going to be a 4x6 in the card, I ran out of time to get fancy cards made). It just goes to show that the photographer mom is not always the best for the job. And don't get me wrong, I love these shots. It's just I usually have way more options to choose from, not the select few that my children provided me. Ah well, there's always next year!

Baby June

2011-11-28T15:02:00.000-08:00

Our friend's new baby June. Melt~

Just Like the Old Days

2011-11-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

We were so happy to spend the morning with old pals Justin, Heather, Eliot, and sweet new addition June. Though she slept most of the time, the kids were able to stomp around and gleefully find all the clues at the train show scavengar hunt (causing Eliot to declare it as the Best Train Show Ever). We'll miss you guys:(

Lovie Benefit

2011-11-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

Please come out to the Foundry on Saturday, December 10th for this benefit. I will be doing non-traditional, non-holiday themed portraits at the amazing Foundrie in Chesterfield Mall. Bonus- the store is full of local handmade awesomeness! Huzzah!

Fall 2011

2011-11-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

On Teeth

2011-10-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

As we were standing in line last night to check out of your favorite obnoxious electronic retailer, Sylvia informed me that her tooth was sore. She told me she had an apple at lunch and it's been bothering her ever since. Upon further inspection, I discovered it was loose. My baby has a loose tooth. How did that happen? I remember snuggling her close in her sling, burrowing my face in her sweaty neck, nursing in all hours of the night, holding her close and not letting her go.

But somehow, throw time and space and chaos and motion, somehow my baby grew. I closed my eyes are awoke with a small human, loose teeth and all (turns out both front teeth are loose). Her clothes grow tight on her daily, her vocabulary skills astound me every minute, her care for others is mind-blowing, her nurturing behavior is sweet, her flare for theatrics is endearing, her desire to be young and old at the same time is familiar, her eyes full of growing pains is sad, her powerful maturity and innate innocence is confusing, and her teeth falling out from her head made me start to cry right then in there, in the check out lane of said obnoxious electronic retailer.

You never know when life's most memorable moments are going to hit you, but when it happens, all modesty and shame flies out the door instantly. The cashier saw it, was so sweet to both of us, and told Syl, "good luck on getting that tooth out."

Good luck on growing up.

Caring

2011-10-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

On a last minute date, I actually dressed somewhat normal and drank wine and didn't have to chop food into small bites. It was awesome.

But besides that, I have some serious wardrobe hatred going on. I'm here to confess the horrors of my closet, the demons of my underwear drawer, and the loathing of my attire. Now that I am making money to a small degree, I try and purchase something for myself every now and again. I now, it's the tiny things that count in life. When attempting to go out with my girlfriends last Wednesday (which is like my Friday night, btw), I couldn't find anything to wear. I had literally strewn my clothes about the floor and bed and ended up in the exact thing I had been wearing all day. Why? Because it was worn in, comfortable, and I was over everything else.

You see, I have what we all now of as the "mom wardrobe." It consists of nursing bras (oh no, friends, there have been no babies nursing on this rack for nearly 18 months), stretched out elastic-less underwear that has (embarrassingly enough) endured a pregnancy or two, nursing tanks (see above), work-out gear, some random tank tops that are long enough to cover any plumber's crack, a few skirts that are frankly unflattering and too big, some dresses that are probably too young for me, and 2 pairs of jeans (the pair seen above, which I always wear, and another pair that sing "mom jeans" every time I wear them). When shooting weddings, I have 2 nice pants and 2 nice shirts that get rotated weekly. It's not cool.

People, it's so not cool what's going on in my wardrobe. And here's the deal, I really can't invest much money into it, so it stays the lame way it is, season after season. Every now and again, I'll get a crazy bug up my ass (like I did on Thursday) and spend hours at the mall trying on clothes, only to walk away with 2 of the same sweater in different colors and 2 scarves. Really, JJ? Do I need 2 scarves and 2 sweaters? How about another pair of jeans so you can toss the too big mom jeans? How about a bra that fits your post-2-baby-boobs? How about some sexy underwear to remind yourself and your husband that you are a married woman that owns a home and somewhat cares?

I swear I used to care more about the state of my closet. I used to have time and reason to put a better foot forward. It has gone to the wayside way too long, and I need to revive that old spirit of being 1/10th fashionable.

How about you, what's in your closet? I have a feeling you are going to be relating to this quite a bit, because I know you are all busy moms...

Legos

2011-10-18T13:16:00.001-07:00

To Costume

2011-10-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Starting my day with a shaky FB mishap, a crappy and expensive kitten appointment (for a cat I really didn't need), and a cold/rainy day is just a recipe for LAME soup. But alas, my friends, I'm moving on and getting over the funk! I can't believe it is already mid-October, where the hell did fall go? I have a very busy month, 16 shoots in all (wow) and am very much looking forward to the holidays (I know, I'm crazy for typing that).

This year, the kids both want rather simple costumes, both of which I could achieve if I dusted off that old sewing machine. Syl wants to be an Asian Warrior Somethingorother. I found a rather simple kimono pattern that is a serious of rectangles. Done. Easton has other ideas, ones that rotate on an hourly basis, for he is 2 and fickle. We were handed down a Superman costume built with padded muscles (hilarious!). Of course, he hates wearing it despite how much he loves Superman. Now I will make him a cape and call it a day. I'm not going to spend much time or money on him when chances are high he won't want to wear anything the day of.

Sylvia's school is hosting a costume/karaoke party which sounds lively and entertaining, except for the fact that it may require wearing a costume and performing karaoke, both of which I'll need to be adequately drunk for.

I keep seeing all these awesome family costume ideas but am too busy to be inspired to make them come true. Again, for yet another holiday, I'll live vicariously through the blogs of those with time and rip out seams in the few minutes I have to throw something together for my fam.

Knock Knock

2011-10-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

I'm curious as to my company here lately. I know I'm not posting very often, for I'm tired and busy and have 20K other blogs/sites/posts to maintain. So what is it people, should I keep this up or toss it to the wayside? I love being able to return here and see old posts about my past few years, but the loathed FB is sucking up all my funny child quips. Anyone coming here still?

Time for The Leaves to Fall

2011-10-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

Front yard fun time with leaves. Too bad we have to rake them now :)

He's Really a Boy!

2011-10-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

I don't really care how many people have thought that Easton is a girl. Those long curly locks, those big blue eyes, that charming personality, all qualities that make total strangers ask "How old is she?" on a daily basis. No, the thing that was getting me annoyed was the hair in his eyes, him constantly pushing his hair out of his face, and the screams that ensued when I attempted to comb his knots out.

Now, after an 8 minute trip to the barber, Easton looks like an official little man. The charm is still there, the big round eyes present, and the hair is still curly, just a nit easier to maintain.

All I have left is an envelope of curls, which got me some strange looks at the barber shop.

My Job

2011-09-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

I did this at my job today. I photographed my amazing trainers that are moving to LA next week. Though sad to see them go, they will be surrounded by health-aware individuals that think it's the world to be the most fit person around. They will do well there.

I don't talk much about the negatives of my job here, the insanity that goes with running a small business in a terrible recession, with managing insane amounts of work followed by weeks of nothingness, about the constant need & desire for more equipment, about the awkwardness of asking friends for payment, about the drive to work all the time and the lack of time to get it all done.

No, friends, I want it to be all about love. I LOVE what I do, I would do it full-time if I could. I love that strangers email me, meet me for wine, love my vision, hire me for ME, and love the end result. I love the network of people I've met through photography, online and IRL. I love taking great images, and I hope I can love it forever. Better yet, I hope it loves me back (even upside down suspended on TRX cables while my lovely assistant quickly snaps a shot).

Hiccups

2011-09-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

Ever since I decided to start my own small business into the world of photography, and dedicate a portion of my day to working out, our lives here at the Lane/Woldow household have been in a delicate state of balance, or lack there of. You see, it's a huge shuffle between getting the time to do the things that need/have to be done, and accomplishing the goals of what each family member wants to do. It seems easy, but here is a sample of the things that need to happen every day:

~everyone needs to get up. seems obvious, but 2 family members like to stay in bed as long as physically possible. those members are not me and my son.

~everyone needs to get dressed, brushed, cleaned, pottied, ect. no small feet when little ones are involved, and cats want to participate too.

~everyone needs to be fed. most importantly, the smaller two need to be fed. and preferably something healthy and fast. ha.

~Dave needs to get Syl out the door by 8:15 or else it's a mad dash to school. did I mention that these are the slowest two of the house?

Now, once Sylvia is at school and Dave at work, E and I get to pick what goes next. Some days it's all about the errands, which he enjoys. Sometimes we get to hang with friends, though I'm finding that's becoming more rare (sad face). Some days we get to participate in a learning/exploring/adventure, but honestly I'm feeling quite overwhelmed with work so those days are too rare.

After an early lunch, E takes a nap and I try to cram as much work in as possible. Picture this: me at a desk in front of a huge iMac screen, FB on my small device, listening to something moody like Joanna Newsom. Yes, that is my precious 1 hour I get where I am alert enough to edit and focus. All late night editing sessions are fueled by wine and adrenaline.

After we pick up Syl, we decide what to do based on our tired little kindergartner's mood. If she still has energy, we go to a park, practice riding her bike, or meet up with some friends. If she is worn out, we head home to chill and start an early dinner. Because 7 hours at school with lunch and 2 snacks makes my kid FAMISHED.

When Dave gets home around 5 or so, it's a swap. We all eat together, then I head to exercise. This is my only hour alone where I'm not trying to cram editing in, working, or dealing with small children. And though I'm still working hard at doing something and not relaxing, this is my therapy. I've said it before, but it saves my marriage, my moods, therapy sessions, and lots of medication. Plus it helps me sleep at night and have the energy to work 11 hour weddings.

After I return from the gym, it's about time for Syl to go to bed. A few nights a week, Dave has to leave before bedtime for band practice. I usually have to miss bedtime at least once a week for weddings, and every Wednesday night I go out early with friends. Syl is in bed by 8:15, E is down by 9. Dave & I stay up till 12 or 1. Then it starts again at 6:50 like clockwork.

Every family has their crazy schedules, a friend of mine lives her life as though she's a single mom because her husband works such long and late shifts. Another friend's husband travels for weeks and weeks at a time, leaving her at home with 2 young children. We all struggle, we all sacrifice. I am grateful to be able to live this way, but there are moments in every day that I wish I know what "normal" felt like. Some days I wish my husband and I could run out for dinner on a whim, sit quietly and hold hands, or get away for the weekend. Some days I wish it didn't feel so micro-managed, so planned out, so chaotic, so packed full.

Know what I mean?

The Here & Now of School

2011-09-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

After many years of the back and forth, in and out, here and there with decisions, I'm pleased to announce our total joy with sending Sylvia to the Soulard School. We love it. LOVE. And more importantly, she loves it. She has never once woken up with anxiety about going, she has never told us she had a bad day. Sure, there are hiccups every now and again, but overall it's a mutual admiration. It's such a cute, tiny place to be. Lots of support, from staff and parents, lots of comforting situations, lots of communication, and lots of drive to push forward in the thoughts regarding education. There have tables and mats, no desks, they have conversations and experiments, not homework, they eat, laugh and play together, no separations and alienation. Today was even ride your bike to school day. Awesome.

We were in such a different place about schooling a few months back, and I still preach that every family needs to find what's right for them (duh). I appreciate the idea of unschooling, public schooling, parochial schools, whatever. But I simply am ecstatic about this place, and I can't wait till Easton can walk through those doors too.

Charity Time

2011-09-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

For the 4th year in a row, we will be gathering toys, toiletries, art supplies, and gifts to put in a box for Operation Christmas Child. This is a Catholic group that gets these boxes to children in extremely impoverished areas of the world. Do they also push religious materials on these people? Probably. But of all the research I've done on what charities to give to, studies show that religious organizations are able to get in these desperate areas first because of the lack of political affiliation. To me, that is the most important bit of information I need. I want to know that the money, gifts, or goods I'm donating will actually make it to the people. Look at all the hang-ups in Haiti! It gets so political when you start to research, and it's frustrating when you are just trying to help. We here in the Midwest seem so distant from the woes of other parts of the world, especially when there is bad stuff that occurs right here at home. But for us, this yearly charity we participate in helps us connect our children to the global community. I want our kids to realize (someday) that the entire world is just as deserving of a new tooth brush, or markers, or a ball, as we are here in St. Louis. We are all born, we all want to live happy healthy lives, but some circumstances beyond our control places people in unlucky situations. The poverty stricken babies are the same as privileged babies, just born in completely different environments. If we can help, we have to help. It's our place in the world.

To find out how to put a shoe box together, go here.

Umbrella trick

2011-09-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I need to experiment with equipment at home, forcing me to be creative with my subject matter. Sylvia goes back and forth between loving being my assistant, to loathing it. Here she was annoyed and ready to move on, but I really needed to perfect this flash trick. Out of 5 shots, this is the only one that worked. And once I said that out loud, my assistant threw downt he umbrella and ran off to play. I suppose, to a 5 year old, getting it right once is more than enough.

2 to 1

2011-09-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

Adjusting to the days without Sylvia have been interesting. There are moments when I miss her sweetness, but I know she is having a grand time at school (sans pesky but adoring brother). E is going through that incredibly challenging stage the toddlers go through when they can't fully communicate their needs so they are really whiny and unforgiving and difficult to please. So it's not so much I'm getting some sort of break during the day, it's just a different sort of day with 1 child at home. The fighting between the two isn't there, but now E needs me for constant entertainment. He plays well solo, but he isn't so confident in public without his eldest sissy to give him security. It's really interesting to experience sibling dynamic, and how the pot shifts when a key ingredient is left out.

On the other hand, E's schedule is super predictable and he still naps in the early afternoon. That is my golden hour. I try to get all my house work done before I put him down, therefore spending that entire 1.5 hours editing, on the computer, or sitting my ass on the couch and taking a moment. Once he's up, the chaos surrounds again and we juggle playtime, picking up Syl, pushing them both outdoors to burn energy, dinner, and early bedtime. Syl is still adjusting to not napping and constantly being "on," but she'll get there soon. We are all just so damn tired.

Redo Rerun

2011-09-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

I've been doing my part as a St. Louisan in the fall season and exercising outdoors. Yes, it's a bit crowded, what with all this fancy weather we're having now. But I can stand the crowds for 72 degree runs and bike rides. I will pay rent to have weather like this all the freaking time (though would I appreciate it as much? Probably not). Ahem. As I was saying, running.

As I left the house after making the kids dinner, I told myself the goal for this evenings run was 8 miles. I've been stuck running 4-6 miles 4 days a week for some time now, but mostly on a boring treadmill. Running outdoors in perfect weather is ideal, but more challenging than said boring treadmill. You have elements like the wind, hills, terrain, speedy bikers, rollerbladers, weird sit-down recumbent bikes, and pesky squirrels. Regardless, I've been stuck. SO I started my run with the goal of 8, and I ran close to 10. It was challenging, I was bored with running, thirsty, hungry, and my feet were barking like the crazy hurtin dogs they were. But I finished, oh how I finished. Around mile 8, I felt like taking a break and walking. But I was so bored with running, I knew it would take me longer to finish if I did stop to walk. Funny how running does that to you: it makes you delusional and want to just hurry up and be done.

My point is this: goals are awesome to set and break. No, wait, my point was to reference my idea for a Grant's Trail Fun Run (name still a work in progress). See this post. As I was running, I noticed the signs for the trail head being 11 miles out (making the entire path 22 miles total). The website had told me under 15. I'll have to investigate further, but I'm not running 22 miles. In fact, after today, I don't want to run 15 miles either. That being said, the fun run I invented is off, and I'm going to rework another plan for a challenging event to set a goal towards.

Because like I said before, goals are fun to set and the break, or give up on completely before you even start.

P.S. this is a grammatical nightmare of a post, sorry my teacher friends. Also, I always spellcheck and usually don't spell anything wrong. Tonight, I spelled like 9 words wrong. I think all that running has depleted me of the few brain cells I had. So goodnight to you!

The Catch Up

2011-09-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

Well hello there, fancy meeting you here! I feel like a time-suck into the social networking world, and this blog is at the bottom of the priority list. Honestly, I don't pay for marketing (yet) and therefore the photo business blog/site/FB/updates take the top of my list. After I'm done there, I have little creative energy left for coming up with silly quips of my day here. Plus I'm unsure who still comes here to visit (except the ever snarky commenter, I'm looking at you Rachel!).

So here we are, week 2 of kindergarten, and Syl is already home sick. Of course, it falls on the first actual day I had plans to just hang with Easton. Poor kid has been dragged around on thousands of errands every day and has experienced little of life in the spotlight. He's used to it, builds character, or resentment, we'll see.

Syl is loving her school, I'm so happy we are there. It's a perfect balance between lax home school ideology, semi-structure, decent human conduct, and practical life learning. They free play, play outdoors, eat family style meals (I only have to pack a lunch once a week, joy!), get lots of exercise, explore the neighborhood, have lots of guest speakers, and are absorbing life in the most organic of ways. I don't feel like Syl is another brick in the wall, to put it in a cheesy reference.

And now I'm in my last week before the crazy wedding season kicks off, along with my crazy portrait schedule that is quickly filling my September and October. It's great, I'm excited, but I'll be spending the last week cramming tons of editing so I can feel caught up and ready for the next work flow. Oh, to be in your own business.

And speaking of business, I am pursuing meeting with with our local SBA to get tips/tricks/advice on running a small business. Though I've learned tons this past year, I have such great info to learn. Gah! It's overwhelming.

How are you? I totally forgot to ask!

Ill-usive

2011-08-30T12:23:00.001-07:00

self portrait

Sassy Photo by Cate Jackson Photography

Swapped portraits with a fellow photographer of mine, Cate Jackson.

Upon doing so, I realized that I make for a terribly difficult client.

Holiday Promotion!

2011-08-29T17:01:00.001-07:00

The End, or The Beginning, it really just depends

2011-08-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Syl's last day before she starts full-time kindergarten. And though I'm currently not having mixed emotions since her and her brother are in a constant state of battle, I know I will be filled with sadness. When we are alone, she is inquisitive, sweet, informative in her own silly way, and full of hilarious ideas. The schedule for the next week is going to be rather insane, with school starting, photo shoots, Dave's bday, and figuring out our new routine. But after it's all in place, I'm really hoping we are happy with our decision to send her to school. It was a long road of fickle behavior, hard conversations, reality checks, and mind changing. So the saga continues, and you will, of course, be informed of all the woes!

Easton Post-Nap

2011-08-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

Oh my, he is quite a handful right now. But he's also incredibly dreamy!

First this, then that

2011-08-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is my 5 year old fully drowning in a very vintage wedding dress. I'm afraid this is what happens when I leave my kids at other people's houses, but things could be worse. My son was not interested in trying it on, go figure.

In less than 6 days, my firstborn will be starting kindergarten. Things have been ~clears throat~ rough around here lately. I have one incredibly moody & spirited 5 year old and one insanely cranky/loud/abrasive 2.5 year old. It's not the prettiest mixture. So in a way, I'm relieved. Yes, I wrote that out loud. I am relieved to be sending a child to school all day, I am relieved that the constant battles will slow and I won't be referring good guy-bad guy all day long. It's exhausting.

On the other hand, I will miss her dearly. She just wants to be good and do well, but it's hard when your little brother is out to attack at every corner. And mommy is so busy with her nose on the computer, and daddy's band has been practicing a lot, and so on, so on. It's hard to balance, it's the bane of parenthood and life. But with school, I feel like Sylvia will have her own thing. Does that make sense? It's hers alone, hers to discover and shine and struggle with. We won't know everything that occurs (but trust me, the school is very hands-on), and she can leave out any information she chooses. Her brother won't be there to screw the day up with his naps, or destroy the tower she is building. It will be nice.

So from kindergarten to weddings, it will all be flying by so quickly, and that is what makes me teary.

To Spin

2011-08-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

A Wedding

2011-08-08T15:57:00.001-07:00

Was lucky enough to photograph this amazing wedding for Nadia & Trent. More here.

Grant's Trail Fun Run (title still in progress)

2011-08-04T18:19:00.001-07:00

Hi there, I know I posted a bit ago about my love/hate affair with running, but I'm back to revisit! Because honestly, I'm back in love (loathe, same diff) with it and have been running about 18-22 miles a week. On a stinking treadmill, but that's besides the point. Anyway, I'm really into now, and I want to aspire to some sort of goal. Since most runners I know are training for some sort on big race in October, and I'm not due to that being the busiest wedding season of St. Louis, I've decided to set a personal goal.

I want to run Grant's Trail from start to finish. And if you were wondering, that's about 15 miles. I've never run longer than 8 miles, but I know I can do it if I put my back into it. But seriously, I FB about it and already have quite a group wanting to participate. I'm thinking about starting a FB group for it and turning it into a benefit event for the holidays (it'll be in mid-November). And what better way to start the glutenous holiday feasting season than to train for a 15 mile run?

I'm giving you fair notice here, this is a non-competitive free event taking place on Grant's Trail from start to finish and back again. It's really flat, 2 narrow lanes, with lots of water fountains and bathrooms on the way. You can walk some if you want, this is purely for personal goals, no prizes will be awarded, no one will be cheering you on. It's simply for fun (if running 16 miles can be fun) and should you choose to participate, training will take 2-2.5 months of running and cross-training 5-6 days a week. It won't be easy, it may not be pretty, but dammit it'll be an accomplishment.

Are you game?

Babies

2011-08-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

Baby Theodore is just 7 weeks old, but man alive did he give me some fever (baby fever, that is). Most of my friends are done having kids, or, I should say, the children they already have are actively providing free birth control. Photographing newborns is my fix for my fever, I take their photos, make them look as cute as they can be, then promptly give them back. It's pretty awesome. But every time I hear that someone I know is pregnant, I am finally & honesty happy that it's them and not me. My kids are perfectly imperfect, and my sanity holds on my mere threads.

For now, babies like Theo will help me fill the empty uterus I have, but remind me how quickly the little ones grow into little humans with lots of back-talking. More photos of this session are here.

Mini

2011-07-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

A long drive on winding roads to the entrance of Shawnee National Forest, yesterday's wedding was simply beautiful. This little junior bridesmaid (or as she preferred "mini bride") was so hilariously entertaining! I could photograph weddings like this all day, except then I get exhausted! More later...

The Competition

2011-07-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to an open house for some friend's new space. These ladies are very talented and very busy wedding coordinators and florists, an industry that I've been working more with. Not only are these ladies friends for other reasons besides business, but these are people that will eventually be pushing my business. I knew other vendors would be there, in fact 90% of those RSVP were vendors (like other photographers, florists, caterers, ect).

These types of things don't really make me nervous, and there were a few familiar faces. One mom I met turned out to live a strikingly similar life. Ya know, photographer, mom, same-named child, going to same school, ect. We got to drinking the free wine, one thing led to another, and I realized I spent almost the entire evening talking only to her. That's ok though, she was pretty hilarious.

We became friends on FB, a place I use to network, market, and advertise my work. I started on FB for these exact purposes, and though I do use it for personal stuff, I post all my previews there. I don't find anything wrong with this plan, until yesterday. I was posting about my upcoming week, about how busy I'm about to be )2 weddings and 3 portraits in 1 week) and she commented that I was boasting, and enough already. I was floored, people usually take that sort of negative criticism and keep it to themselves. I have rather thick skin and try to live with the notion that very few people will be able to make me feel bad about myself (give that up to my self-built ego/confidence). But this instantly knocked me down. I removed to post, feeling embarrassed and ashamed for bragging.

Then I woke up this morning and felt pissed about it. If I had the nerve, this is what I'd say: Sorry you may not be busy right now, and that you've been doing this longer, but there is enough room for all of us. In this male-dominated industry, don't you believe that us female small business owners should stick together and be a bit more encouraging? I am honored that you are jealous, I work hard on my craft, I'm up till all hours of the night editing, planning, organizing, scheming, and researching modern trends in my field. But one thing I don't do is this: I don't hate on others for being busy. In fact, other photographer's business pushes me to get mine going even further. I want to figure out what they are doing differently than me, and how to differentiate myself in this saturated market. So instead of making me feel insecure, you've actually empowered me to push harder, faster, and with more vigor. Thank you competitor, thanks for bringing it on.

A Day in My Life/ Juggling in Several Acts

2011-07-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

It seems like our days have formed a somewhat predictable pattern these days. Easton is always the first up, running straight into our room and pouncing on my face. The smell of his poopy morning diaper always pushes one of us to get up and tend to him. As we lay around mumbling about our early riser (for about an hour), Syl awakes. She, like her parents, needs to adjust to this thing called morning. We all snuggle in bed, while still being pounced by Easton.

Dave heads to work as soon as he can, leaving me to morning routine & breakfast. It is a dreaded time for me, and probably for him too. I hate making breakfast, and a few times a week we head to our fav breakfast place where everybody knows our name. We've got it down to a cheap art, splitting 2 dishes and spending about $9 total. Yes, it's more expensive than cooking at home, but the adult conversation and kid-friendliness of everyone up there (who have all known me since pre-baby days) makes my mornings a bit more grown-up feeling. Plus I need lots and lots of coffee to function.

After breakfast, I look at the clock: 8:45 am. Yes, we are dressed & out the door, with breakfast done, before 9. Most people I know are just waking up. But due to my hyperactivity and micro-managing skills, I can get 3 people dressed, fed, and ready for action quickly. It is yet to be determined if I am scarring them for life.

Most kid-oriented places aren't even open yet, so we have to mill around doing piddly activities. If at home, it's easy. We have toys and books and junk strewn about. A few days a week we head to the YMCA, where I pawn my kids off on the unsuspecting/awesome childcare staff. I know they like my kids, I have the chattiest little 5 year old helper and the quiet 2.5 year old plays well alone kid. Easy. I work out and get the most beautifully isolating hour of my day.

By 10:15, we are ready to meet up with other moms or run errands. My kids are hungry again, so the activity has to involve snacks (requested in the whiniest tones a 2 year old can physically make). The next 2 hours involves wearing my kids out, with friends, at the playground, at the store, wherever. When we arrive home, it's lunch and promptly to bed. Easton is super tired, and Syl naps most days of the week. I clean my house frantically while they eat so I may work or rest during their naps.

And ahhhh, the next best time of day: nap time. Yes, I have the only 5 year old known to man that naps. It does cause for a later bedtime, but I don't care. My blood sugar is always low at this time of day and I get real snappy. I need a break from the movement and demands. If Syl doesn't want to nap, she has to read books or play quietly in her room for 45 minutes. If I'm busy with work, she can come down and work next to me, but she has to be self-sufficient in that time. I generally have my nose to the computer editing, answering emails, making calls, pulling my hair out. It's always something at nap time.

After naps, if we have no agenda, we hang out and play at the house. Both kids are usually in a great mood after naps and are willing to play together happily. We build forts, paint, bake, clean, roll cars around, fold laundry, whatever. This is the time of day I call: Countdown till Daddy Arrives Home (or sometimes How to Not Go Crazy!). We make dinner, sometimes watch a cartoon, and wait wait wait. Everyone is hungry, but no snacks after 3 or else no one will ever eat dinner.

When Dave gets home, we eat together. Sometimes I leave to go to the gym if I didn't to go in the morning. If I don't work out, I can't sleep. Exercise has become many things for me: solitude, healthy, therapy, medication, solitude. I'm a better mom, wife, photographer, woman, friend if I get to workout. The days I don't go (like today), I have to spend my energy somehow or else I get real crabby (and today I will be heading int0 104 temps to shoot an engaged couple. done and done).

Evenings are the variable in our lives. Twice a week, Dave leaves before 8 to go to band practice. Those nights suck for me. Once a week, I leave right at dinner, go workout, shower and my mom's, then meet my girlfriends for drinks. Those nights are so much fun, though I do have guilt and end up missing my kids. The other evenings, we watch a movie, or go to a playground, run to Target to kill 2 hours, or go get ice cream. Dave likes to relax after a long day at work, but I'm always eager to get out of the house and do stuff. It's hard to balance the evenings and weekends, but we get by. And every now and then we get a date night, which involves going to a small restaurant, drinking martinis, and eating adult food. Those nights are bliss, but usually only once or twice a month. Boo.

The kids are always in bed by 9 or 9:30. I know this is about to change soon with Sylvia going into kindergarten. She will be worn out from the long day, so I'm hoping every one's schedule adapts. Once the kids are asleep, I usually work on editing photos and scheduling things, blogging and emailing, getting orders together or planning something or another, until midnight. It's hard for me to unwind and settle down for the evening, sometimes a glass of wine helps. Some nights I abandon all things business and watch mindless tv for two hours. But I always go to bed thinking how I wasted the evening. It's hard to balance life with 2 young kids and a budding young business.

I am optimistic about how our schedule is about to change. With Syl in school all day, I will have all of Easton's nap to work on photography. Eventually he will be in some sort of part-time preschool and I will have even more free time for my work. It's hard to admit this, but the more I work, the more I want to work, and the more I pull away from spending time with my kids. Parenthood is full-time, 24 hours a day. But for stay-at-home parents, the juggle becomes knowing how to separate your alone time with the dedication you need to be productively raising young children. I choose to not turn the tv all day long, but I have my nose in the computer a lot. I want them to see that my work, my passion, my business is important, and that they need to be self-sufficient sometimes about playing. I remember having hours of alone time (2 older brothers wanting nothing to do with me) and really exploring life with an active imagination.

So that, my friends, is a day in my life. I was inspired by posts found here.

Reminders

2011-07-07T11:16:00.001-07:00

As I pull the large Ikea bookshelf away from it's dusty wall, several over sized signs fall over. They are all oddly shaped, some triangular, some circular, a few with worn edges. I laugh out loud, the memories of these signs evoke a chaotic and youthful time in my life. A time when diving hundreds of miles to a march just took getting the days off work. Or hours of protesting and volunteering was never a chore. These signs now sit dusty, hidden behind shelves filled with puzzles and light-up games.

I'm moving the large Ikea shelf into my son's room. It matches his haphazard decor, I may as well put it in his room, fill it with junk, and give it a good cleaning. The top 2 shelves are filled with my old books. The only books I decided to keep around when childproofing our lives. Alice Walker, William S. Burroughs, "S.C.U.M. Manifesto", Ayn Rand, ect. I don't really know why I kept these specific titles. Once I've read a book, I don't usually revisit it. But for some reason, these books remained shelved, permanently reminding myself, my children, my grandchildren that I was once a liberated feminist poet Beatnik hippie cool chick. I wasn't always the "mama." I supposed I keep them to remind myself that one tiny part of me mourns that old self, wishes for those days of carefree selfishness, and hopes that the those stories may be picked up by my own children.

Yes, I'm keeping my memorabilia to tell them "You see? Mama was cool once."

Success!

2011-07-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

This was the first year we didn't attempt to garden at home. We simply don't have the sun for it, and up till a few weeks ago, we had a big dog that liked to pee on everything. Anyway, Syl helped me start all our vegetables form seed back in March. Everything was nice and planted, properly labeled, and ready to start the growing. Then I watered, and all the labels were ruined. From the first day on, I felt our vegetables were doomed.

But I'll be damned if those little seeds did grow! They grew so quickly, in fact, that I had to transplant them 3 weeks earlier than what everyone was telling me. Ah well, what could I do? Also, when transplanting to the community garden, I had no idea what to put where. Remember, nothing was labeled, everything was a mystery. Crap.

Fast forward 6 weeks, those little seedlings started to sprout taller and bigger. I could quickly tell what was corn, carrots, and onions, but everything else was still a mystery. Then we had the location to deal with. The community garden is in a bit of a questionable neighborhood. I would take the kids there at 8 am and run into people walking around with joints hanging out of their mouths. Then the garden kept getting trampled, by both humans and canines. The more time I spent at the garden, the more invested I got in it's growth. I wanted this to work, I wanted my plants to thrive, I wanted to eat some fresh vegetables, I wanted my kids to experience food from seed to plate.

After the first few hiccups, things have been smooth sailing. My corn sky rocketed, my lettuce grows and can be cut every 4 days, my broccoli was ginormous (which apparently means it ain't gonna have any florets). Today, as I opened my first ear of corn to see it's progress, I saw the worms. I was told about these corn grubs, but I was horrified at the site. I decided to go ahead and pull all the corn that was big enough, despite wishing it had another week or two to get fat.

When I returned home, Sylvia saw the enormous ears of corn. She jumped up and down with glee, she was so impressed with herself (and her mom's ability to remind her that we needed to water the garden). I'm now wishing I had planted more stuff, but that's what next year is for. So for the rest of the summer, we will be eating more corn, many many tomatoes, broccoli leaves (and hopefully florets), lettuce on a regular, and watermelon (spotted the first round watermelons today!). We shall see what I can get my kids to eat!

Sleeping in Beds

2011-07-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

Easton has finally made the transition into a twin bed. We decided to forgo the toddler bed action due to the fact that we can't lay in there and snuggle with him, very important stuff. Plus we already had a twin ready for him and didn't need to purchase anything. So far, it's been great. He may get out once or twice after bedtime, but he sleeps in there alone all night. The problem comes in the morning, we've been finding him roaming the house for GOD knows how long. He doesn't come in and wake us up, he's sneaky about it all. The other morning, he awoke at the awfully early hour of 5:45 and wouldn't go back to sleep. I fell back asleep in his bed (though I was a waking zombie all day) and found him dumping every single puzzle piece all over my newly cleaned upstairs living room (our house was a 2 family).

Usually, he heads downstairs. Though our house is rather child-friendly, my kids are never free-roaming. So I've been locking the gate at the top of the stairs (though if he wanted, he could slide underneath, something his sister discovered long ago because of the kitties). I don't scold him, I don't even make a big deal about it, but it concerns me. This morning he was making fake breakfast in his fake kitchen, which was perfectly fine, except he kept dumping the wood food on me. Awesome.

If only he'd get rid of those pesky diapers...

Yay!

2011-06-29T10:00:00.001-07:00

After many long hours and procrastinations of other important things, my revamped website is up and hopefully running smoothly. Of course, I'm sure I spelled a work or two wrong, but that can all be worked out. I now have a wedding portion up and am excited to offer this service to the beautiful folks of St. Louis. Thanks for being so supportive, friends. My hair could not get any grey from all the stress!

Know of anyone newly engaged? I'm rather affordable compared to other photographers in the area, but my work is creative and appealing to those that are seeking an alternative to the typical "in the box" poses. So send them over here!

And happy 4 years of blogging to me! Can't believe it, but I started this when Syl was a wee lass, and now she is a sassy lassy. Time flies...

ReVamp

2011-06-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off any and all editing to revamp my website. "But didn't you just redo your website a few months back?" you may be asking yourself? Yes, friends, yes I did. But I am totally in love with shooting weddings, something I can't even believe I am saying out loud. So I'm going back and redoing everything and adding a section with some of my wedding work and hoping to book some 2012 gigs. Because really, people are booking for 2012 at this point. Seems insane, right? Well, I'll tell you now that my July is almost full second shooting weddings, and October is completely full. At this rate, I'll be seeing white for quite some time now.

I do still shoot for a couple different photographers in the area, which is a rather sweet situation. It's way lower stress, way less pre & post-production (and way less money, but that's ok for now). Lots of my bookings are this way, and it works to a degree. My issue is when I'm booked to second shoot and someone contacts me about shooting their event. Though it's always hard to say no, my obligation is with my first booking. Once an event is in the calendar, be it for my own business or working with someone else, I don't switch it up. I want to remain on a level and report with other area photographers that enables trust and security. I don't want backstabbing, I don't want negativity. This is a strange industry, I want people to want to work with me, not talk smack about my ethic.

Strange things have come up lately with people I've had work for me and it's really opened my eyes to how I want my operation to work. Listen, I know I'm not the first photographer in St. Louis to take clients to the graffiti wall to get portraits done. It's not about that, it's about being creative and innovative within your body of work, developing a relationship with clients so they'll want to do another session with you, getting comfortable with young kids so they'll give you an authentic smile. I am building a strong team of employees that I need to be able to trust and count on, not mimic my look. It's a fine line, and it burns. But I'm here to admit my flattery on other photographers, on other's influence on my work. I search the internet everyday through some of my favorite national and international photographers, and some are definitely an influence on my work here. We are all striving to be more creative, innovative, and push our field to the next level.

So, I'm tirelessly pushing forward with my site. I'm not doing too many portraits (yet) in July, and I'm hoping to get completely caught up with all my editing and start with some marketing. Because I am going to blink and it will be holiday card time. Sheesh.

Lucky

2011-06-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very lucky and grateful today, which are two difficult emotions for me to grasp. Why should I feel optimism when there is so much negative in the world? Sometimes, it's ok to be selfish with feelings, I believe. Sometimes it's ok to let it all in and thank the pleasant breeze for letting you be in this place and be happy.

I'm lucky that I get to photograph such wonderful, lovely people on a regular basis. I'm lucky that people, total strangers, are trusting of my creative vision, my need to push for more, my drive to go above and beyond. I'm thankful for my family, my husband, that loads the equipment in my car before leaving for his very tiring and demanding job. I'm grateful for extended family that take their mornings off to hang out with my children. I'm thankful that my kids kiss me good-bye with not an ounce of sadness, but with a kiss of "good luck" and "we can't wait to see you when you get home."

And finally, I'm thankful that I was able to finally come to this place in life. Here, at age 33, I get to do what I love all the time, and someday, just maybe someday, I'll make a living off of it!

More images from this session here.

Shaken

2011-06-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

In a total act of spontaneous craziness, one that has left me still shaking, I feel the need to post this here. After we went swimming this evening, the kids, my mom, and I headed to get a tasty treat at Dairy Queen. We were done eating and waiting for Dave to arrive (which he never did), when a large group of teenagers walked in. There were several groups of them, and Easton suddenly made a dash through their legs. I turned to tell Syl to stay put, and turned around to grab him. But I was met with a gaggle of pubescent hoodlums. I caught a glimpse of his curly little head as a teenager was holding the main door open for him to run out of. I was still inside, shoving my way through these kids that were totally oblivious. As I finally got out, Easton had dashed into the parking lot where cars quickly drive in to go to the drive-thru. I turned to yell at the kids, who had taken off running & laughing. Luckily, no cars were approaching, no one was injured, and I went back inside to the glares of parents. I guess I didn't think he'd weasel his way through the crowd that fast, or that someone would be smart enough to not hold the door open for him. But I moved as quickly as I could, and I didn't appreciate the glares one bit.

Moral of the story: boys are crazy wild creatures, that are akin to caged wild animals. They will head towards the light of day any chance they get. And the lack of a well-developed brain will carry on into their teenage years, so never trust a 2 year old boy or a teenager.

Some Ideas...

2011-06-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

...are better kept to ourselves.

On Running

2011-06-14T05:53:00.001-07:00

I have a long-standing date with exercise. Not only is it my (only) break in the day-to-day routine of child-wrangling, but it's the medicine to my hyperactivity. Sure, maybe that's a self-diagnosis, but I'm practically a doctor in some countries. Anyway, I go to the gym or my kettlebells class 4-6 times a week, depending on how busy I am. The kids love the childwatch at the YMCA, so it's pretty easy to go any time of the day. But running? Well, that's a different story.

You see friends, I was never a runner. I did track and field in middle school, but mainly because I needed some friends and joining clubs is how you were forced into friendships. The track we practiced at was nearly 2 miles from our school, so our warm-up everyday would be running to the track. Of course, as the season progressed, my new friends & myself decided that we needed that time to talk, not run. But that's besides the point. The point is, I was never a runner, but I've always excelled at talking.

Fast-forward to my 1 year post-Easton body. It was not pretty. I lost a ton of weight right away with him, then leveled off to the exact pound for 1 entire year. I have one of those breastfeeding bodies that holds onto every single pound of fat, just in case my starving babies need a fix. I was frustrated and exhausted, and decided to take up the only free thing I could think of: running. And by running, I mean jogging. I quickly got hooked, though I couldn't go very far. I'd walk the 6 blocks to the park, run for 4 minutes, then walk a bit, then run a bit. Everyday I went I would set goals a bit farther, never over-extending my boundaries (meaning never breaking through the "wall" or so they call it). I'd go 6 days a week, and in addition to running, I stopped eating bread. Much of my stomach issues subsided and after 3 months, I had lost nearly 15 pounds and could run the entire park (about 3 miles).

The addiction continued through the winter (surprisingly enough) and through the next year. I spent money on decent running clothes, bought good shoes, and ran my first ever 10K in about an hour. On a steady streak of awesome, we joined the gym. Then I stopped running. Now I battle with my love for alone running time, with my kid's love for the gym, with a busy schedule. Running takes up a long chunk of time, and is a rather 1-sided type of work-out.

As much as I love it, I hate running in the summer. I've been forcing myself to go lately at least twice a week, a balance I'm still working on. Though I'm beginning to believe there is no such thing as balance.

Dads

2011-06-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be a bit morose here, but I am a member of the Dead Dad's Club. No, it's not an actual dues-paying club, it's one that several of my friends and I have made up. You see, I have lots of friends that lost their dad's at an early age, mine included. My dad would be going on 61 this fall, and he's been gone for 6 years. To me, that's too early. We lost him when I was 4 months pregnant with Sylvia. I hadn't told my pregnancy to my extended family yet, so they all found out about my protruding gut at his funeral. Talk about a roller-coaster of emotions! It was a lot of this:

"Hey there, sooooo sorry about your dad. Wait, are you expecting? Congrats!"

Yeah, awkward to say the least. Anyway, this club sucks to be a part of, and makes Father's Day a bit less exciting. I'm really not a fan of Mother's Day either, because let's be real here: we should be appreciated and appreciate every single day. Hallmark went and decided to profit off this crap that has been naturally occurring for thousands of years. We know, mom's rule, dad's are cool. Cards do nothing for me.

And so, as Father's Day fast approaches, I'm feeling a bit anti-holiday. I don't need a holiday to remind me of my dad we lost way too soon, but I love my husband for the father his is to our 2 children. So instead of coming up with a crafty gift in response to "his" day, I think I'll just treat it like every other day. I'll wake up crabby and tired, send dad off to work, and take care of a few unappreciative kids. Because honestly, it's how it's always been done. Maybe I'll give an extra smooch out the door...

Schooling Update

2011-06-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

In an effort to keep everyone in our lives on their toes, we are sending Sylvia to Soulard School this fall. She will be going into kindergarten, and we are super excited. Don't get me wrong, I was sooo excited to homeschool her. But in an honest and realistic state of mind, I am just too busy. I love that my business is taking off so quickly, I love what I do, I want to do more. To homeschool her, I know I'd have to pull back on my shooting schedule, and this is a hard pill to swallow. Like this week, I have 8 shoots in 9 days. I'm behind on all my editing, and I'm about to have 8 shoots more worth of editing. The kids are so used to seeing my nose stuck to the computer, it's not fair to them to miss opportunities because I want to pursue my business.

Also, Sylvia is really desperate to be around kids (all the time). I know somehow we could fill this need in a way, but it would be challenging. Easton naps 3 hours a day, and I'm bogged down with work. We do what we can in the morning, but it's a point of contention when it's time to leave because E is so tired and Syl is just getting started. I know it won't always be like this, but I feel that this small, independent school is the perfect balance.

I can't wait to be part of the community there, I'm hoping it will be a perfect middle ground for all issues I was having with schooling here in St. Louis. Sylvia is already wearing her backpack around the house!!!

Ramble On

2011-06-06T10:17:00.001-07:00

Oh my, I've turned into an incredibly bad blogger! I've been stuffed to the brim with photography business, and this poor thing gets left neglected. Same with my homeschooling blog, for that matter. Because ha! Who has time to teach their children anything when they are stuck editing all day? Those poor things, it's quite a shame that mama's "break time" is glued 12 inches from the computer screen. Poor me.

Anyway, life has been hectic, we have lots of random things occuring, so I'm going to use this as a great opportunity to bring back my good old lists! Here goes... (are you bored yet?)

~we purchased 2 ferns for Mother's Day gifts for the grandmas and decided to keep them for our porch. shortly thereafter, a mama bird made the world's most beautifully inctricate nests and laid 5 tiny sparrow eggs. thus far, 2 have hatched. I'm afraid this will be another "circle of life" story for the kids.

~Syl will be doing a 3 full days summer camp next week and I'm beyond thrilled. she is stoked too, and if she likes it, we may be sending her there for school. and that leads into...

~we may not be homeschooling. I'm sooo busy with my business, and I am sooo in love with doing it, that I have to be realistic with my time. I may not have the time to homeschool my children. I may be a modern woman and send my kids off so I may work. it's all still up in the air.

~summer is pretty much here to stay in the Lou. it's hot, humid, and highly tornadic. we just joined the pool and have already been twice. it's heaven.

~I'm booked with some photo job or another for the next month. I currently have 8 photo sessions to edit. help.

~after the kids go to bed, I edit with a glass of white wine until my eyes blur, then I sit outside in silence and drink my wine. it's my new ice cream.

~we are supposed to go to Chicago in a few weeks and I've done absolutely nothing to prepare.

~I've finally broke my addiction to sugar, having cut it out of my diet by probably 90%. it was 4 long days of tired hell, followed by 2 weeks of questioning my stupid decision. but the grand daddy of it all is that I've worked 2 weddings and not eaten any cake. success!

~I should stop blogging and start editing those 8 jobs. dammit.

For Blue

2011-05-31T15:18:00.000-07:00

I've been working very hard to keep all my business stuff on my other blogs/sites, but this one is for Blue. She's not on FB, but I know she comes here to read (when she has a moment). I am so in love with the photos I took of her nearly 3 year old son, Finn. He was smiling so much he was drooling! It was contagious (sometimes I drool, ok?). Really, I mean his joy was contagious!

Can't wait to show you the rest, Blue!

On Rumors

2011-05-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm openly admitting that it's 1 am on a Wednesday night and I've been drinking. Not at home alone drinking, but out at a Joplin MO tornado benefit and kept the party going drinking. So yes, I'm blaming it on a good cause, but I'm really just plain drunk. And I ran into an old acquaintance. I'd say friend, but that's stretching it. And she doesn't come here, so I feel I don't need to be sensitive to the fact that we were never close. Anyway, she was very confrontational to me and my close friend Sarah. She has been hearing rumors that we've been spreading about her being in the mafia and getting all her money from mafia-related activities.

Now, before you spit your coffee out laughing at this, I'll have to mention to you that yes, I like gossip. I love a juicy story, I like to talk, and I have a big mouth. Tell me your secret, and I'll keep it with me. But do some wrong in the world for all to see, and I'll openly laugh at the mistake. And I expect you to do the same. I have thick skin, and I can take a joke. But, BUT, I don't deliberately try to hurt people's feelings. And I don't know shit about the mafia. Which is why the whole thing is hilarious. I have no clue who told her what, but I think the entire confrontation is hilarious. Because really, who hears a rumor like that and gets offended? I was instantly all "Really? And you're mad about this rumor? I think that is pretty badass. Why isn't anyone suspecting me to be mafia-related? How can I get in on some of that rumorville?" But she wasn't feeling me.

And so, my friends, I ask you this: when someone is obviously delusional, but totally not believing your story, do you work hard at convincing them of the truth? She honestly didn't believe us, that we had nothing to do with that rumor, and we've heard no gossip of the sort. There was nothing to convince her except our word, and she doesn't really know our word. I guess I just can't stop wondering why she took it so personally, and why she was so offended by it.

If you are confident in your own skin and in your own life, shouldn't you be able to dispel the bullshit that may come your way? When did life get so serious that a ridiculous rumor really set you off course?

Maybe just a drunken rant, but I can't yet sleep...

Details of a boy

2011-05-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

Oh, his curls, and his lovely eyelashes. He is filled with such sweetness and affection these days, I'm counting down to the moments he wants nothing to do with his mama.

Skin

2011-05-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

To have perfectly flawless skin, with the exception of leftover chocolate on the lips, must be lovely...

Camping with Kids

2011-05-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to cheat on my blogging here and post these on FB, this blog, and our HS blog, just to feel that I've successfully fulfilled my absent blogging void in one swoop. We bought a tent last week, and the kids have joyfully been spending hours in at every day. I threw some big pillows inside, some books & balls, voila, instant addition to our house. Dave had planned to take a day off this week to take the kids camping, but when he came home, we both decided to skip it. We were tired, didn't want to pack, and felt like blowing it off. By alas, the kids had been told they were going camping, so a-camping we would go.

As a lazy route, we chose to go in late afternoon, stop for dinner on the way, bring the makings for s'mores, and head out by breakfast. This would mean no meals on the fire this time, but a quick load-up time for the car. For some reason, it still looked as though we would be gone for a week (kids do that to you, over packing and all). When we arrived at the grounds, we were hit with a crowd of middle-sized kids (ya know, 7-12 ages). The grounds seemed crowded, generic, and not fun. But after driving the entire lot, we found a deeply hidden site, at least 800 yards from the nearest camper. Perfect.

And, my friends, it was beautiful. The weather was a perfectly overcast 72, not too many bugs out, and no breeze. We set up our site, then went exploring. It's a well manicured national forest, lots of hiking, but also lots of paved trails for strollers, biking, and kids. I can't wait to both kids are riding bikes, making trips like this really awesome. We got within a few feet of a hawk, saw bunnies, a skunk, then a herd of raccoons encroached on our site as soon as we zippered the tent. Scarey bastards, they know where the food is (or diapers, for that matter).

After a long day, I figured the kids would pass right out. But after many bed shifting and snuggling preferences, they finally passed out (they still require thousands of drinks of water, even when camping). And not minutes after they were snoring, the rain began. It started as a trickle, but after about an hour, it began to pour. I got really cold and paranoid the tent would leak, so I barely slept. And when I finally awoke, Easton was poking me in the mouth. Great. I woke everyone else up so we could pack up and go, only to discover the tent did great (only a tiny puddle of water by the door). We loaded up our soggy tent, packed the kids in the warm car, and headed out. The clock said 7:15 am.

Lessons learned on this very first camping trip were this:

~always bring more blankets

~find isolated areas, because the kids will want to play coyotes for hours on end

~keep all your food in the car, raccoons have beady eyes and ascend in large groups

~lots of flashlights

~tell lots of stories around the campfire, but none scary (otherwise no one will sleep)

~prepare to be woken up really really early

Absent Ballot

2011-05-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

I think April/May 2011 can go down as my craziest set of months thus far. I promise I will be back, with posts about Syl turning 5, more gray hair on my head, and all the shenanigans that come with my life. I miss you, friends.

And now she's 5, notes to my daughter

2011-05-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

My sweet darling, 5 years ago today, with a few strong heaves & some forceful pushes, you slipped into my arms. And from then on, everything was different. You were large, 8lbs 8oz and 22" long, rather bald, and completely dreamy. Though it took us 5 long and painful weeks, you and I finally got the hang of nursing. Breastfeeding changed me in so many ways, and I thought my life was over due to the long hours you wanted to nurse. You never took a bottle, a binky, a blankie, and a thumb. No, sweet darling, you took me and me only.

You were also the biggest napper and the worst sleeper. I was extremely tired for 10 long months (little did I know your brother would be worse), and you napped every few hours. Oh darling, you still nap a few times a week. And sometimes, I nap with you for a brief moment. Only now, at age 5, I can't hold you in the rocking chair or sling. Now I lay next to you, watching your chest rise and lower as I did 5 years ago.

5 years ago, I felt shift of the planet, when you took your first cry, and opened your squinty strange eyes. My earth was altered, never to return to the palettes it originally sat on. I was resentful of you for a while, taking my old life and so easily flinging it out the window. But I remembered that is was I that wanted you here, it was I that worked so hard to make you happen, it was I that suffered loss and heartbreak to be able to pinch your little toes. Then, I forgave you, I forgave myself, I mourned my previous existence, I embraced what had changed.

Oh sweet darling, the first night of your life here on earth, I dreamed about your face. It was brief, since you were screaming in the hospital bed with me, but I saw you. And funny thing was, I already knew your face. Birth is so surreal, everything about it. Dreams are even stranger when you are completely out of sorts. But there you were, in my arms, in my dreams, on your first night alive. As I was startled awake by your cry, I laughed. I told your dad my dream, I cried. No one, no one, no one can prepare you for that first night of their new baby's life. And as I saw you in my dreams, I awoke to you in my arms forever.

Sylvia, you were named by us a strong female name. I wanted no mistake in your gender (as was my issue growing up). Little did we know how fierce you are, you are the embodiment of strong. You say your name with fervor, with confidence, with a certain "how did you not already know my name" attitude. I love it. You are not shy, you speak with everyone, and you are very secure. Thank you for showing me how to be like that. And don't ever let another boy or girl ever take that away from you.

Now that you are 5, you are so grown. At your 5 year check-up, you weighed in at a healthy 54lbs, you are in the 95th percentile for height and weight. That is crazy. And though you don't have the stamina and physicality of your insane little brother, you are purposeful and resourceful with your energy. I know you'll be reading soon, your writing is amazing, and social skills would put you in the forefront of any peer group. You amaze me.

So, sweet little one, here's to another year full of your bright smile and warm embrace. My wish for you is that you continue to live your life with the amazement and enthusiasm that pushes you everyday. My wish for me is that you will hug me as tightly tomorrow as you do today.

I love you, sweet pea.

Reflecting

2011-05-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

Sylvia is turning 5 this weekend, and we are having a party for her here at the house. It was supposed to be 5 years, 5 friends, but her friends have siblings, they have parents, and suddenly the count was up to 47. Sorry if you got cut, but we had to modify. I'm finally super busy and just now making money, and parties are expensive. That being said, I'm never offended when I get left out of a kids party, so hopefully friends that aren't invited feel the same way.

Anyway, enough of the guilt. We've begun full-blown party mode preparations here, from mowing the yard to making tissue-paper flowers (remember those?!). We ordered a cake this year, and picked out balloons. We're having a surprise musical guest for her, a favorite local musician that specializes in kid-friendly music (along with classics for the adults). Dave is thrilled because he was promised he could jam with her (hopefully that won't be embarrassing).

I suppose we're going all out (for us) because 5 feels so monumental. You are not a toddler, you aren't a preschooler, you are a kid. Sylvia has always been a bit mature for her age, but lately I've been grabbing onto anything baby-like leftover on her. For example, her hands. They still hold some pudge in them, with the inverted dimple knuckles and the soft, thickness of her skin. Her cheeks are still full and squishy, and her face still childish. But there are things about her that are screaming big kid, like her height, her weight, and her inquisitiveness, her "I can do it all by myself" mentality. I miss my baby, but I'm excited for her to grow and move into this next stage of development.

Another thing I'm feeling grateful for is our decision to keep her home for kindergarten. I'm not ready to let her go away from me, I'm not prepared to give her to someone else all day. No, I'm afraid I'm going to be selfish with her. She's mine, my firstborn, my darling sweet thing, my introduction into motherhood, my soul outside of my soul. Sometimes I stare at her and start crying, she is so much a part of me, and yet so much her own creature.

Growing up is hard, but watching your baby grow up and away is even harder. They don't know where life will take them, so they live with carefree abandon. We know what will happen (to a degree), therefore we want to protect them for it all for as long as possible. Don't grow, don't go, stay in this place for a moment longer. Please, there is no hurry.

Friday she will be 5, then 6, then 17, then 30. I must stop blinking, my baby barely fits in my arms. She must wrap her legs around my body to hold herself in my arms. Yes, she still needs me, but how much and how often is drastically less. Oh how I couldn't wait till others could take care of her, a time when mama's milk wasn't her only life source. And now that time has been here for a while, now I want it back. Those countless house sitting in a rocking chair in a darkroom with a sweaty baby heavy asleep in my arms, those hours were precious.

Move on slowly, sweetheart, mama needs you here now.

Growing

2011-05-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

Final days of being 4...

Moving on...

2011-04-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm not feeling so negative anymore. Even though this rain is depressingly relentless, and I have 6 photo sessions to edit (with 3 more to add to it this weekend), my hair is a frizzy humid mess, and my house is perpetually hurricanish. No, ain't nothing gonna bring me down! I've been making some big photographic decisions lately, and I couldn't be more pleased. I'm about to start working with a very talented wedding photographer here in St. Louis, and the upcoming wedding season is about to explode into craziness. I love second shooting weddings, the lower stress, less work, creatively free, and chaos of it all is good to me. You show up, shoot all day like a crazyhorse, do a rough edit, and pass off the dvd to the lead photographer. Done and done. And though I'm booking smaller weddings on my own, I've decided that being a second shooter (and sometimes accepting my own weddings) will allow me the time and finances to really pursue my portrait work. I'm excited about this place I'm at, it really opens up possibilities and relieves some stress. I was so worked up about getting my own wedding site up and running, booking away, and calling it a day, that I hadn't really thought of other options. Maybe I don't have 40-50 hours a week to dedicate to the wedding photography industry. And it's ok to not make that decision right now. No, I'm happy where I'm at. I'm busy where I'm at. I'm home schooling 2 children and filled to the brim with busy-ness and schedules and meetings and photo sessions and editing as it is. It's a long run-on sentence of a life right now. I can take my time.

So, my friends, I will. I will slow down, stop rushing, and allow myself to be a portrait photographer. Sure, it's less money than weddings, but I love it. I ran into a mom at the playground yesterday that was over-complimentary of my work. "How do you get your pictures to look that way?" she asked me. I laughed, because I love that she asked that. I love that she wonders if my camera is magical. Listen, I know there are amazing photographers out there, and I'm not trying to be egotistical. I'm just feeling proud. I've been honing my skills and absorbing knowledge and following trends and observing photoblogs and working in the field for over 8 years now. I want to make beautiful images, I want to make them appear magical, and I want to keep improving.

And I want people to wonder how I do it. Because frankly, I'm still trying to figure that out.

Failing at Life

2011-04-25T09:54:00.001-07:00

So Easter has come and gone and I definitely think I failed in the "crafting with your kids" category. All we did was dye eggs and make a egg pendant for the window. Lame-o. In fact, I find myself becoming lazier with the activities with the kids and forcing them to simply play. Am I terrible? I know children learn so many great things through play, but when it was just Syl & I, we were very project-oriented. And I know how much she loved it, and I know Easton would enjoy it too. Me? I'm kinda over it. The mess, the chaos, the fighting that ensues, I'd rather be doing something else. Maybe it's the over-abundance of rain and tornadic weather, maybe it's the yearning for outdoor springtime play, maybe it's my desires to send Sylvia to school next fall (even though I've done nothing to make that actually happen), maybe it's my own cabin-fever, maybe it's my workload, but I'm feeling very lazy about my parenting. I said it, don't judge me. Does everyone go through this? The kids seem happy, what the hell am I worried about? Why can't I ever "be here now," dammit? No need to answer, I'm really just yelling at the universe for making me such a "grass is always greener..." type of person.

Today

2011-04-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

~the sun has just emerged in time for my later afternoon photo shoot

~the kids are destroying my house, and my sanity

~the yoga pants are staying on, despite not participating in any yoga today

~the coffee needed to be refilled, and never was

~the morning field trip was short, sweet, and simple

~the nap may have to be forced

~4 loads of laundry sit (cleaned) on my bed, waiting to be stuffed into drawers

~the floors are swept, ready to be mopped, but probably won't happen

~the eggs are hard-boiled and ready to be dyed

~the eggs have made my house stink, is this the smell of Easter?

~I will get a moment of silence

~wishing I could poke a hole in my tummy to release the bloat (tmi?)

And here we go...

2011-04-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

This sounds rather ominous after that last post about possibly wanting a third, but fear not! No babies are in said utero, and the idea will be in discussion for many months to come before a decision is made. Actually, I think I'm too busy to conceive, so there. My schedule is my birth control (not really, I'm not that naive).

Anywoots, I took one look at my calendar on the iPad last night and my heart fell into my big toe. I've been wondering why I feel rather relaxed lately, and now I understand. I haven't been too busy. Yes, I've been getting emails, phone calls, and FBs about jobs, but the finicky St. Louis weather has been uncooperative to say the least. So I've been telling people that waiting a few more weeks is best, but I really should have been booking ASAP because a few weeks is upon us and shit is about to hit the fan. In a good way, of course. Easter weekend alone, I have 3 shoots lined up. It's great, it's fantastic, I love it, but it's about to get crazy. You see, I still second shoot and assist for 2 other photographers. So not only am I booking my own stuff, but I'm agreeing to stuff that's not my personal work. Hey, in this economy, a job is a job is a job.

And friends, I won't be available for any Saturday for the rest of the year. Pretty much. But Wednesday is like my Saturday, and very few photo shoots actually happen on a Wednesday. Maybe I should corner that market!!!

Honestly

2011-04-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

This is a post that is both personal and individual. If you could care less about me and my uterus, move on. There, the riff-raff is gone. Anyway, I have an issue that has been plaguing me over the past few months and I'm now going to write a post about it, because honestly, it helps to put things out in the universe. I said it, blogging helps me. I rode the small bus. Blah and blah.

Anywho, as a collective crowd of mostly ladies, tell me when you knew you were done. And by done, I mean done having babies. I've been (and that means just me, Dave is not on board) contemplating number three. I know, I know, I'm crazy. We all know this. But seriously, how do you know you're done having kids? Let's face it, I'm 33, my youngest is almost 2.5, my eldest nearly 5. And I have been getting baby fever lately, out of the blue, nothing directly triggering it. Just like, wake up, drink coffee, wrangle children all day, and BAM, maybe I want a third child.

Listen, let's be honest, it's totally irrational. I have rather unpleasant pregnancies, plagued with lots of indigestion, high blood pressure, bed rest, PPD, big babies, yadayadayada. But I don't know, am I done? How do you know? When do you cut yourself off from the idea of another baby? AHHHHHH!

Again, Dave is soooooooo done. Me, I'm not so sure.

Depth

2011-04-06T18:36:00.001-07:00

If you've ever seen any images I've photographed in the past 2 years, you've noticed that I'm obsessed with shallow depth-of-field (or d.o.f.). This technical camera term can be defined best here, but it layman's terms, references the precise area of focus to blur. The smaller the number (1.2 in this photos case), the more shallow the area in focus. I can literally focus on a child's eyes, and their nose will be blurry. I love it. I can't get enough of it. I specifically spend tons of money on prime lenses that have the ability to go super open (or smaller number, wider aperture). Every lens has a d.o.f. number, and most kit lenses are 4-5.6. And that's great for most people. That captures lots in focus, room for error is little. People want speed and convenience, I want lots of blur with attention to specific things.

And do you know why? Honestly, it's how I see. I'm very blind without glasses or contacts, my vision has always been crap. At night, when I take out my contacts, I can see things very close to my face, and the everything else drops to total blur. I have natural bokeh, and I think it only fair to photograph exactly how my eyes/brain are used to seeing things. I struggled for a long time to achieve this look, and realized that prime lenses are right up my alley.

My point is this= it's hard to achieve the look of shallow d.o.f. without a lens that has a super wide aperture setting. People ask me this all the time, so that is the answer. Your welcome.

Almost 5

2011-04-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

One month from tomorrow, my eldest will be 5 years old. This just hit me like a ton of bricks tonite when I was uploading some recent photos and I realized how grown up she looks. I know, I know, she always looks so grown up. But she's still got such childish features. The things she says are sometimes mind-blowing, and sometimes exactly like that of a 5 year old (or 2 year old, for that matter). I'll hold off on a full birthday post till next month, but know that I will be spending the next 31 days crying over the growing up of my tiny little baby.

Signs

2011-04-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

Not really, but this sign was up at the show I was at last weekend and it made me laugh.

New Lights & Kid Portraits

2011-04-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I've been pushing forward in the business front. I've been accepting weddings and preparing for a busy season ahead. One step towards this was to make a purchase of some portable power and lighting, which just arrived today. Of course, my models were a bit unimpressed that I made them sit still while this bright light blasted them, but what good are kids if you can't test things on them?

I'm still only accepting smaller, more intimate local weddings. But I'm hoping by fall I'll be ready to book like crazy for next year. This will mean a new website, new branding, new marketing techniques, and really putting myself out there. I absolutely love portrait work, but honestly, it's too few & far between to be completely profitable on it's own. I need to work long days and get paid more so that I'm able to supplement with portrait work. I feel this will be the best option while homeschooling the kids, and I know I can handle it.

Of course, I shall keep you posted here and on FB. But I can't express enough how excited I am about my future in the photography business. And friends that are engaged, email me! I'm still in the stage of building my portfolio (though I've shot well over a dozen weddings) and my rates are still low (especially in this market).

Maya

2011-03-30T12:55:00.001-07:00

Posted some new photos from a photoshoot I did last Wednesday at the Gardens. Go here.

Loss updated

2011-03-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

In my 33 years on this earth, I haven't been touched by an over abundance of personal tragedy. The first relative in my family to die was the grandmother on my mom's side. I was 19, she was 72. It happened the week I met Dave, so there was a tidal wave of highs and lows that week, to say the least. I was a hot mess, unable to control my emotions at her service, shaking a bawling like a weeping widow. Overcome with such foreign sadness, I kissed her forehead, only adding to the traumatic experience for me and death. She had been gone over a week, big mistake to give her a kiss. But what did I know? 19 and experiencing little personal loss, I had no path to follow on how & what to do.

A few years later, my grandfather passed, also on my mom's side, leaving me grandparentless (my dad's parents both died when he was very young). I was much more prepared this time, though the Catholic service was a first for me. He had brain cancer and we were knowing it was imminent. The next huge blow to my personal tragedy was my father's passing. He had cancer, but was seeking treatment with his tumor actually shrinking. They gave him a good few years of life, so it was shocking when he passed suddenly in his sleep. I was 4 months pregnant with Sylvia, and it was a huge punch in my family's gut. But being so pregnant, I attempted to triumph over the sadness to be healthy and sane for the duration of my pregnancy. After having Sylvia, the waves of pain came flooding back, mixed with the post-pardum blues, and created 9 months of depression. It was hard, long, dark, scary, but many lessons were learned. Lessons of coping, seeking help, and admittance.

Last night I got a crushing phone call from New York. My best friend's ex-boyfriend, Danny, had died. I met Danny when I moved to St. Louis, at age 19. He had already befriended a mutual friend, so we clicked instantly. And by clicked, I mean he was a total dick, but in a hilarious and sarcastic way. Danny dated my best friend for 4 years, and I got to know him well then. He was an amazing drummer, and played music with many of my husband's bands. After their break-up, I saw him less, only occassionally at shows. Then I got married, had babies, and only saw him at the rare BBQ or party. His sarcastic humor always remained, but many other problems arose. His mom died unexpectedly during a routine operation, which jolted him into a downward spiral of depression and drug use. He has been hurting for years, and every time I saw him, I could sense his pain and darkness. My family has been dealing with addiction for a long time, so when you see it, you know it.

I don't know the exacts of his untimely death, but I know it sucks. He was younger than me, we shouldn't be dealing with this yet. But addiction doesn't pick an age, a time, a gender, a lifestyle, a financial status, anything. It's a long, dark tunnel, and I know too many people that are sucked into it.

You will be dearly missed, Danny, in our lives and in our community. I wish this didn't have to happen to you, I'm so sad for your sister and father that now have to deal with this. I'm sorry you couldn't fulfill your dreams, fall in love, travel, play music, whatever you wanted. I wish you were still here and ok. I'm so done with losses.

** Not that it makes the loss any easier, but I did find out that my friend had been clean and sober for a few months now. Turns out he had coronary artery disease (pre-existing) and got pneumonia. Sounds crazy for age 31, but 3 of his very close relatives had the same heart condition. I guess in the end it doesn't matter how someone dies, but that fact that someone, anyone, can go in a second. Hug your loved ones, we should all feel loved every day.

Magnolia

2011-03-24T18:03:00.001-07:00

This was taken yesterday, 78 degrees, incredibly warm and windy, absolute perfection. Today it snowed. I would stick my tongue out to you , St. Louis, but it's hard when I was just sitting in

the grass enjoying that beautiful sky just yesterday. Please come back, lovely weather, I miss you already.

Seeing Joy

2011-03-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

It's a beautifully rainy Saturday night and I am home alone drinking wine. Well, technically I'm not alone, there are two sleeping little ones. I digress. I have just filled a large glass cup with red wine and turned the tv off. I find myself going through a spring-like metamorphosis lately. The buds on the trees are starting to peek, the daffodils have opened, the crocuses are adorable, and the air is finally warming. So yes, though it is dark, chilly, and rainy right now, the prospect of glorious weather is upon us.

And changes are abound. A major change for me is the slowing down of life. Yes, I am still oh so busy. But things have found an eerie calm lately. I've been booking weddings, which has given me this strange sense of proud comfort. I'm finally getting to a place where my talent and confidence are pushing/driving/steering me to mover onwards and upwards in my business. It's pretty amazing to me how many weddings I have been getting, especially since I don't have my wedding site up yet. But I'm happy to accept these couples because they have sought me out and have chosen me for what my vision is. And they don't care if I have a wedding site up yet. That blows my mind.

I'm taking them slowly, I don't want to get overwhelmed. Although I look at my calendar from May to November and it's a bit scary, I can't wait to be shooting and pushing forward. I love what I do, and it's funny to realize it so much later than I thought I would.

When did you figure it out? Have you figured it out? When I pick up my camera, hold it to my eye, and am able to document a moment in a life, I smile. Do you smile at work? Listen, I'm not trying to brag. My schedule is all kinds of wonky, I go from earning my keep to negative bank accounts when the work slows, I have credit card debt, and I still want/need more equipment, but I'm continuing on. It's worth it, it has to be.

I went for a run around the park today without my iPod. It renewed my love for running and our city. It's long, hectic, hoosier, obnoxious, creepy, and amazing. Life is surprising, you may find a joyful moment in a puddle or a stranger's comment, you may have absolute sorrow bury you so low you're paralyzed, but one thing is certain for me: I am supposed to be here in this moment. Taking in the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrible haircut I got going on because I'm having one of those negative bank account kinda months, but I'm taking it all in. And I hope you are too. Because, for me, trying to see joy is lighter on my shoulders than wallowing in the negative.

Don't You Know That He is Toxic

2011-03-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend, my family had a surprise bday party for my mom's 60th birthday. Living in a different city, my main job was to coordinate the venue, call all the guests, and get my mom to show up. Luckily, I was at her house when she was gone and stole all the numbers I needed out of her address book. I can't believe I even found that thing, her house is full of antique furniture with lots and lots of drawers.

But all this is besides the point. We were at my brother's house, all the cousins running amok. Easton was jumping on the bed, like the crazy monkey he is, when he landed wrong. He didn't fall off the bed, so it wasn't obvious to anyone what he actually hurt. But he was crying, relentlessly, and didn't want to be put down. I figured he'd feel better after his nap, but totally awoke still hurting. But of course, being as timing is my mortal enemy, we had to get my mom to her surprise party, where 45 of her friends and family were patiently waiting.

For the rest of the day and night, Easton wouldn't let me put him down. He was whiny, whingey, clingy, sad, pissed, crocodile tearful, and wouldn't let anyone come near him. We drove back to St. Louis, and today he was still limping. I decided to take him to Children's Hospital, which is an incredibly awesome place (if you have the unfortunate situation that makes you go there). They get you back right away, everything is smaller and less intimidating for kids, and the rooms have cartoons on. After examinations, they decided to do xrays. Great.

Amazingly enough, he was a total trooper during the x-rays. I had to stand behind a huge wall, but the nurse holding him down was a seasoned pro. He didn't protest at all, and didn't end up with any broken bones. Thank you Jeebus. Turns out he has a condition called Toxic Synovitis, which occurs after a virus is leaving a child's body. It usually causes pain in the hips, making a child limp, and making the parent have a total freak-out and pay $200 in Children's ER visit.

And all I could think of was how awful it was going to be to have a 2 year old in a full body cast. Awful, but not surprising.

Milk Art

2011-03-08T12:46:00.001-08:00

2011-03-06T17:34:00.001-08:00

We met with some chickens. More here.

Tornadic!

2011-03-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

Our weather has been strange this winter. Days of warmth and sunshine followed by days of freakish winter thunderstorms and yes, a tornado in February. The alarms started going off around 10:45, well into a peaceful slumber for my children. I check the news, I look outside, life is dark and calm. "This isn't worth waking them, must be a paranoid siren blower," I say to myself. I continue on with whatever random thing I'm doing and keep an eye on the news. RED ALERT! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! The news has done this before, just a month before, in fact. Snowpacolypse (which I have no idea how to even spell)was a total miss for our fair city, dumping a mere 3 inches of snow followed by a freezing and icy-sand-snow for a few days. Yes, it sucked, but it wasn't the end of the world.

You can't really blame anyone, if the weather people overreact, we get mad, if they give us no warning, we get mad, if they were to completely stop feeding into our nation of fear, maybe we'd be happy. But I digress, the tornado was coming!

I had been alone, but hearing the sirens, Dave returned from a friend's house. We watched out both doors and felt satisfied with our decision to leave the kids happily asleep. Then all hell broke loose. The rain started, then started going sideways, the tress became violent whips, and I totally panicked. "You get Syl (totally the heavier one, I'm so selfish) and I'll get Easton. Let's head to the basement." Dave and I ran upstairs, him more calmly than I. Listen, I'm not going to be that mom who decides she can't wake her precious children and then the roof slams down on them. I scoop up E, wrapped in his blanket, and slowly carry him down the stairs. He is oblivious, totally asleep, and I intend on keeping him that way. We head to the basement, Dave is taking his own sweet time with our 55 pounder.

There are lights on in the basement, so I don't turn the stairs light on. Do you see where I'm going with this? I make it down the incredibly narrow, old, rickety steps, only to totally miss the last one. I feel myself falling, so I embrace Easton to prevent him from slamming into the concrete surface. He awakes, excited to be hanging out in a dark, cold basement at 11pm. He's bright eyed and ready to party, as I am crying in pain on the dank floor. I somehow injured my left wrist, elbow, right inner ankle, my left knee, and left big toe. I couldn't stand up, and the TORNADO was coming. Dave was still getting Sylvia.

By the time he made in down, I was in a lot of pain. He had to get Easton, put him on this old couch, go grab Syl (whom he had left on the first floor), and pick me up to set on the couch. This all went down in about 2 minutes. By the time we were all settled, the TORNADO had passed, the kids were very discombobulated, and I was hurting.

After all the commotion, we managed to get the kids back to sleep rather quickly. I was in a lot of pain, all now centered around my stupid big toe. Which, by the way, you don't realize how much you need until it won't bend and kills with pain. I was convinced it was broke, took a painkiller, and passed out. The next day, the shame and embarrassment set in, and I couldn't believe my luck. If I had waited a few more minutes, the kids would have been fine, the storm passed in minuted, I wouldn't have hurt my toe, and life wouldn't continued on. Parenthood has really made me panic about the little things, worry and fear are high on the list of concerns.

Three days later, my toe is much better. I definitely did something to it, but I'll survive. St. Louis weather, always biting you in the ass in some way or another.

She & Him

2011-02-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

If you're friends with me on FB, you've already since this photo. But I really can't get over how similar they look. I know, he's the dad, he's supposed to look like his daughter. I guess it's the fact that these weren't taken at the same time, and they weren't told to give me that specific look. This is how they felt about me at that exact moment, with my large and obtrusive camera in their faces (again), asking them to act natural to perform some sort of practice.

Our children are true reflections of us, all of us, not just Dave & I, and I see this every single day. If I'm in a foul mood, I release that negativity into every room I enter, and it's quickly absorbed by the 2 littlest ones. I say something immature to Sylvia, and she goes and does something immature to Easton. You really don't see all parts of yourself until you have kids, then it's like a 24-hour mirror. When I'm happy and full of a rare glee, the kids breath a sigh of relief. Like 'ahhh, she's happy, now we can be joyful.' It's something I know I need to improve, but it's quite the struggle for a 33 year old woman to do. I'm stubborn, I've always been this way, it's hard to let go of mood swings and bitterness.

As for Dave? I can't speak for him directly, but he tends to come home with work weighing heavy on his shoulders. If a client passes away, he feels the sorrow of tragedy. If there are upcoming inspections, he feels the quickness of a time-restraining stress. But he can let it go quickly, allowing the 2 little ones to pick up his spirits and remind him that this is our life, this is our family. And what we give them is what we will receive. And what we, as parents, receive, is priceless.

The Warmth Ahead

2011-02-20T18:19:00.001-08:00

The weather lately has me been glorious! Shopping at Trader Joe's last week, their tulips were a beautiful reminder of what is around the corner. It's funny how much needed the warm weather has been, how everyone starts flipping out and acting all summertime (in both good and bad ways, city dwellers know what I'm referring to). We are embarking on some life changes around our household, and this is the perfect time of year for the changes. I've stopped eating meat again (after 17 years off, I had a year back on, but am now off for good!) and am not buying any for the household. This means Dave has cut his intake to about a third of his diet, while the kids are even less, only occasionally eating it out. We are also wanting chickens, to harvest eggs and encourage our kids to learn some lessons on sustainability and food awareness. I'd like to possibly garden outside our yard this year, in search of an area that actually sees sunlight. As the kids grow up, I want them to see the circle of seed, plant, and the fruit that it bears (or vegetable, whatevs). It's such an important life lesson, and one that will hopefully encourage healthier eating habits.

Sometimes I feel like I'm coming here to post all the big things that are happening, but it's really that things are always happening. Our lives rarely see down time, and the waves are in this here ocean! So, here's to a beautiful spring ahead!

Spare Minutes

2011-02-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

Hello friends, sorry for such long frames of silence followed by rowdy bursts of personal crazy! I've had a hell of a month (and it's only the 15th) and my head is spinning to keep up. But good news! I'm looking to hire occasional help with childcare and professionally. Wow, amazing, right? My business is really taking off and I couldn't be more thrilled, but I am still a full-time mom and in great need of some balancing. This may involve a whole day of childcare once a week and someone to help with with technology and business management mumbo-jumbo. You know I'm stressed when my hair looks how it does right now. And no, I'm not going to take a picture to show you. You can just use your pretty little imagination.

But alas, I have so many posts conjured up in my brain, all of which don't help you when I don't ever come here to write them down. Ha! It makes no sense, but I have a minutia of time to lay it out for you. So little time, in fact, that I didn't get my husband of x amount of years anything for Valentine's Day. And we didn't make any to pass out to friends. And the fact I licked the card closed for the kid's present was amazing. I don't know how to juggle very well, and my home life suffers. Sorry family and house and dog and cats. I understand that you feel abandoned, but it's the price we pay to push onward.

Which is where I'm going... onward (or upward or downward or in spirals, we'll see).

Mother's Day Preparations

2011-02-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know Mother's Day is a bit away, but I'm being a planner today! I'm being proactive! I'm a winner! Ok, seriously, I'm trying to increase my business savvy and prepare for the spring weather. Because listen people, it will be warm someday! And you need a Mother's Day gift shortly after the weather gets warm! It's a win-win! Be Lovely Photography is doing a Mother's Day Portrait Promotion (wow, that's a lot of "p's"). Here is the flyer (thanks for helping, Rachel!).

click to enlarge

This is a great deal and will result in a beautiful 11x14 canvas print. What a great present, hint hint. Please email me for any other details/questions, and feel free to pass the info along to friends. I have a very busy weekend ahead (a wedding and a newborn, but not at the same time!). TTFN!

Soapbox & Advice (totally unrelated)

2011-02-09T10:21:00.001-08:00

After the flub of my cleanse, I've decided to become a vegetarian again. It's always something with me, am I right? I've been living in a bubble of complex denial for the past 2 years, and something sparked me to burst out of it. I don't really know what I was thinking before, but I'm glad to be back. In fact, I think I have my husband convinced of the same, which is no small vegetarian feat. Join us, won't you, in a life of meat-free bliss? Live without guilt! Don't partake in the mass production of animals forced to live in undeniably horrid conditions and be slaughtered in totally inhumane ways! Soapbox soapbox soapbox! Now here comes the hard part: tearing our kids from their beloved cheeseburgers. We haven't decided the route to pull them off meat: a)do it in total secrecy or b)show Syl the video that switched me back. I think we'll go with choice 'a' since this child is young and it would be life traumatizing to show her this video. And BTW I'm not posting it here. I can still hear the pigs squealing in my brain...

In totally other unrelated news, we are finally healthy (mostly!) and living life to our fullest! Ok, a bit dramatic. But seriously, the residual coughs and sniffles are dissipating quickly, THANK ALLAH! But what has come of this is a new language impediment with Sylvia. Since living with a clogged nasal passage for 3 weeks, she developed a strange new lisp. She no longer says her 's' words properly. I've heard this is common when kids get sick, but I thought we were past the phase of anything radical changing her speech. All her 's' words now start with 'sh.' I know we're not supposed to call it to her attention or make a big deal of it, but let's be real. It sure seems like a big deal. Especially when you notice how many words start with the letter 's.' It's like a lot. We try to simply repeat what she meant to say, which causes her to say it correctly, but I don't know if I should be concerned. Should we totally ignore it? Am I an asshole for not wanting my kid to live with a speech impediment?

So friends, what would you do?

Thanks for reading, and please consider cutting down or eliminating animals from your diet. Or if you must, research the hell out of what you buy and purchase locally raised and humanely slaughtered animals. Don't make me post that video here. Ugh.

Flush UPDATE

2011-02-06T10:41:00.001-08:00

3 of the 4 members of my family have been hit hard by this year's flu. It's definetly making me reconsider getting us all shots next year, since we've been avoiding it for the past 2 years. Fevers, coughing, sneezing, blowing noses, throwing up, hacking, chills, laying around, peppered with lots of whining has made our house a fortress of the sick & tortured. I guess the crap weather has made it somewhat easier to stay in, but it seems like it's never-ending. Just today, Easton awoke with a high fever yet again, reminding me that just because they may act healthy, doesn't always mean they are.

To add to the delight that is my sick home, I'm still having issues with my delicate tummy. Though I've cut out most of my diet containing gluten, I'm haven't been 100%. I have 2 young kids that like to eat delicious snack foods, which means I cheat. On top of that, we ate out at a local Vietnamese Restaurant last week that absolutely wrecked my stomach. I know, Vietnamese food is so delicious, what gives? To attempt to figure out my problem, I'm going on the Master Cleanse. It's a 10 day fast program that seems to be rather popular, therefor it must be ok. I've been hearing about it for years, I know lots of people who have done it and seen great results. So here we go. Can you handle the crazy?

I'm hoping to clean out my system and slowly incorporate things back into my diet that will hopefully please my stomach gods. I eat too much junk, a thorough cleaning of the pipes seems like it may help, and it certainly won't hurt. I even bought a juicer, hoping to encourage us to drink our veggies. Dave is skeptical. We'll see how long it lasts.

Here is what's going down with me this week:

Day One (today): drink lots of water, eat soup for meals, consume lots of fruits and veggies

Day Two: drink only fresh squeezed juices (veggie & fruit) and water

Day Three-Eight: drink the strange concoction of fresh lemons, water, maple syrup, cayenne

Day Nine: start incorporating fresh fruit & veggie juices back into my diet

Day Ten: drink lots of water, eat soup for meals, consume lots of fruits & veggies

*perform a salt water flush every night. it's as gross as it sounds*

Doesn't sound too hard, right? Well, except for the fact that I have 2 young kids at home 24-7 still battling the whiny flu thing, and I have to cook everyone else's meals everyday. And smell it. And not eat it. Plus I'm not supposed to do the crazy exercising that I normally do, which I've been on a break from anyway due to my cold. And I have photo shoots this week and a wedding to photograph next weekend. Shit, I didn't think this through.

Anyway, it's worth a shot. Anyone with stomach issues probably can sympathize that I just want to figure out something that will work for me. I need to flush my system and attempt to solve my tummy's dilemmas. Otherwise I'll be spending the rest of my life keeled over in pain almost ever time I eat, and that doesn't sound like fun.

**UPDATE**

After a horrible first day, involving throwing up the mixture, extreme headaches and hunger, this morning started with my monthly visitor. And when that visitor hits, all I want is chocolate and/or salt. Neither which is on the cleanse. So it's halfway through the day and I've already failed. Time to go another route...

On Language

2011-01-28T09:46:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest, my son lacks in verbal skills. He understands every word you say, and will follow direction (or yell NO to not follow directions), but he has a difficult time verbalizing himself. I should've pushed the sign language, but I assumed his language skills would quickly meet up with those of his sister. She was putting 2-3 words together around 14 months, and holding conversations well before her 2nd birthday. I know she was ahead, but E has been 2 for a month and has very few decipherable words. I know some of his language, and hand gestures and process of elimination works itself out, but it is really frustrating for all involved. He looks at you with his ginormous blue eyes, a look or earnest on his face, and says, "whay go gobbly go?" I get so tired of asking him to repeat himself 20 times, that I usually shrug and say "I don't know honey, let's go figure it out." Knowing I have zero idea what he's referring to, we can search the house until something sparks what he is asking for and success! Or we just go back and forth until I distract him with something else to do.

I know there's nothing actually wrong with him, I know he'll pick up conversations some day. As for now, I have an extremely verbal 4 year old and a 2 year old that is fluent in a french-farsi-spanish-congolese combination. Let's just say he's gifted in that.

Thanks

2011-01-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

As I'm about to enter another busy season of photography, I want to thank you all once again for being so supportive. I am constantly blown away by the internet community, forums, blogs, advice columns, and friends that inspire me daily. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer, soaking up tons of the talent I find out there. It's inspiring to me, it pushes me in ways I've always wanted to be pushed, but hadn't quite figured out how to get there. And I know I'm not "there" so to say, just on the path I want to be on. I am so in love with what I do, I can't believe it took me so long to get to this place. But that's how life is, and I am honored to be accepted into people's lives with my passion. So if it's reading this or my other blogs, being my friend in real life, a client of my business, or a passerby, thanks. I'm so glad you going on this journey with me...

Gone Fishin

2011-01-25T16:22:00.001-08:00

I know I'm incredibly boring here and it stinks. I had a busy weekend of work and jury duty the past few days. I promise for something new soon, but I need to catch up with my kids. When gone, I miss them dearly. Though getting over an hour for lunch and time to read an entire book was a mini-staycation come true.

On Hair

2011-01-20T18:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know about y'all out there, but winter makes me feel ugly. The layers, the lack of shaving, the all around forgiveness of anything beautiful to wear, makes me grumpy. It's hard to put on some knee-high boots (flat and practical, not heely and sexy), a bulky sweater, and jeans and feel like a hot mama. And this weather does one extra bonus of suckiness to make me feel ugly: flat, Bieberish hair. Yes, that is, in Justin Bieber. Ever since I chopped almost a foot of hair off my head, I've been in a short hair rut. I have to maintain it more, which I just don't have the time to do. So it gets all shaggy and choppy and unkempt and ugly. Key word of the day here: ugly. This is what I hate about winter, it's a never-ending rut of unattractive style. Ug.

(at the computer today, trying to look somewhat attractive while hating my current style. and don't ask what I'm doing with my hand. i really have no idea.)

So I guess I'm growing my hair out, if for anything, a lack of time or care to do anything else about it. I'm tired of hating my hair, of wearing hats and headbands, and of attempting to style a less Justin Bieberish cut. P.S. I'm not seeking compliments here, just venting on hating my hair. Seriously, I'm soooo over short hair. Though I remember not really caring for my long hair either. A girl just can't win, can she?

On Being well-lit

2011-01-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

2 posts in one day, it's a Friday miracle!!! I wanted to post a quick tip for all you budding photographers out there. Light is very, very, very important in photography. So much so, that I am still learning about it every time I pick up my camera. How can it be that I am still learning this 8 years into my photography career? Well, because light is the most integral part of making an emotion from an image. Light can be your worst enemy (1 pm high summer sun) or your best friend (sunset on a fall day). It can blow out an image and duck behind a cloud to immediately change your exposure. And if you're like me, you shooting on manual. Oh, you don't? You could, but it's much more time consuming and takes lots of practice. Anyway, light. I love it. I love getting the catch light in some one's eye, or blowing out the sun behind

some one's head. But sometimes, lately, on cold, wintry days when the sun is elusive, the light is a bit more tricky. Actually, the light on these days are perfect for shadowless faces, and looking out the window images. I digress, sometimes you need to supplement.

This is our lesson for the day: supplementing light, or fill light. The photo on the left is no fill, the window is to Easton's right, and there is a strong shadow on his left. It's cute, expressive, moody, but his left eye is lost in the shadow. Sad. The simple, cheap solution? The photo on the right is a few seconds later, I held up a white piece of paper about a foot away from his left side. See how that reflection adds some pop, fills the shadows, and adds definition to his left eye? I know, it's hard to hold a DLSR and a piece of paper and keep your 2 year old in line. But ya know what else works? A white wall, a husband with a white shirt, a 4 year old holding the paper, anything for light to bounce off of.

Another idea is have your subject face the window. This creates a catch-light in both eyes and is soft and even. But you knew that already.

Buttons

2011-01-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

We've been playing, have you been following? Adventures of our homeschooling family here.

If he is ever piloting the plane/spaceship you happen to be in, you'd better hope there are parachutes involved.

Engage

2011-01-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

Today, in the freezing, blustery conditions, I had 2 photography sessions. Oh, did you have any doubts that I am crazy? Ha! You really haven't been reading for long. Anyway, here are some shots from my longtime friends, Zach & Amanda. They are getting marries exactly 10 months from today, on 11-11-11. How awesome is that? More here.

Note For The Unknowing

2011-01-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

Dear parents of rowdy 2 year old boys,

Please go ahead and skip watching the Kung Fu Panda movie unless you want your life to be filled with wild and amateurish kung fu moves.

Love,

Your New BF

Attack of My Stomach

2011-01-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

So I'm going to provide a bit of a warning here: I have been off gluten for 4 days now (well, this is the 4th day) and I'm really hungry. Deliriously hungry, constant grumbly tummy, hallucinogenic hungry. Ok, it's a bit of a stretch, but I'm more off the rocker than normal. Did you see that? I'm not even making sentences in a formulated fashion! That's my warning!

Backpedaling... I have always had a sensitive stomach. I'm talking hours in the bathroom because of pains in my stomach type of sensitivity. And it's never made sense, or coincided with anything specific. Some days, I have little to no pain, while others it's debilitating. Lately, it's been pretty bad, and I just blamed it on the gorge-fest that is the holiday season. Ya know, eating lots of yummy crap, drinking too much, and throwing the digestive track totally off it's normal path. So I did some research and self-diagnosed said tummy with a wheat gluten allergy. Seems unconventional to self-diagnose? Maybe, but that's how I roll, peeps. Co-pay my ass, I'm going to utilize Dr. Google for treatment.

Anyway, most sites agree that blood testing for celiac's disease usually comes back negative, but that doesn't mean you don't have a total sensitivity to wheat gluten. No, the best way to test the theory on yourself is to eliminate gluten from your diet. For a month. Once your stomach is flushed out and the lining has healed from years of toxic invasion, you slowly incorporate it back into your diet and test how it effects you. Some people can withstand small amounts of gluten a day, others realize it's been the source of pain and evil in their systems forever.

And do you know what? As day 4 is halfway over, I haven't had 1 stomach ache yet. No gas, no cramping, no pains, nothing. Zip. Nada. Does this mean gluten has been my forever nemesis? Maybe not solely, but probably mostly. You see, my gluten-loving friends, it is in everything. EVERYTHING!!! Pretty much all snacks, breads, cereals, pastas, frozen meals of any kind, pizza, crackers, hot-freakin-chocolate, soups, chips, pretzels, tortillas, soy sauces, fermented liquors of any kind, cookies, cake, candy, everything. EVERYTHING!!! The list of foods to avoid is really really really really long. The list of foods that are safe is really really really really short. So basically my life sucks. You may commence crying.

In conclusion, I can't eat anything. Or I can't eat anything good. I've been eating lots of fruit, vegetables, rice, rice noodles, brown rice pasta, beans, protein, and cheese. It pretty much is ruining my life (insert dramatic violin sounds here). So next time you sit down to your conventional meal, and your stomach feels all good and full afterwards, think of me and my suffering. And how I'm always hungry. And how I was not prepared to go on any sort of diet and I better get skinny after all this nonsense.

P.S. to show how crazed I am, upon spell-checking this, I messed up over 10 words. that's a lot for me, my brain is eating itself now. thanks gluten, thanks a lot.

New Blog

2011-01-03T16:28:00.001-08:00

And here's the link. This will be my blog to chronicle our adventures in homeschooling our 2 young kids. Please skip it if you have no interest in our budding adventure, but come on over if you want to follow my crazy!!!

The New Year, Our New School (or lack thereof)

2011-01-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011 to you all! This will be an exciting year around our household, for today is our first official day of homeschooling! I'm going to create a separate blog to chronicle all our endeavors, a virtual diary of our doings. Because who needs more blogs? Apparently I do! 3 is just not enough, let's go for 4! But seriously, I haven't quite figured out how to manage my business life and my personal life and now our homeschooling life and I don't want to abandon the random quirks of this blog (it was my first you know). I don't give this address out to any customers, so it's all friend and virtual friends, which are really the same in my eyes.

So, anylongsentenceway, here we go. Sylvia is a preschool drop-out, which is pretty hilarious. I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when we made our decision to homeschool her, and her stress level shot way down. No more rigid schedules, no more having to be somewhere at very specific times, no more Catholic agenda, no more money sent to the Pope (I mean, not directly, but kind of). No more missing events due to school days or practices or rehearsals. No more.

We are not conventional people, but there is a growing population of Americans that aren't completely satisfied with the condition of our educational system. So what the hell can I do about it? Well, I, personally, can choose to not feed into it. Since we are capable of me staying home with the kids (and working part-time with my business and other photographers), we are able to make this choice. Many disgruntled people are forced to work full-time jobs, and though they may be unsatisfied with their neighborhood schools, they don't have this option. Private schools are expensive and have a very privileged feel to them (since mostly the privileged can attend) and Sylvia's walking distant school is slated to be torn down to build "authentic" south city condos. Right, because we don't have enough actually authentic homes vacant left & right. Tangent!

We are going to play this year by year, with the notion that our opinions are allowed to change at any time, as with Sylvia's. She may want to attend school later, and that's ok. But I'm tired of the routine, narrow guidelines, restricted paths, and regurgitation of traditional schooling. And that was only in preschool! Imagine my outrage for future years to come!

Let the Resloutions Commence!

2010-12-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

Happy final moments of 2010 to all! I've been thinking about lists and what-nots all day, all week for that matter. The problem with blogging my lists is that I never go back and check my NYE resolution posts, and therefore never remember what I set off to accomplish. I need to print this year's list out and hang it above my bed to I may be reminded of all my doings. Or not, I've yet to write the list and decide.

This year's list is going to look a bit different. I want to write a list of goals and plans, not just a "what I'm giving up" type of list. I guess this is what I always do, but I'm feeling extra wordy today.

2011 Long List of Small Things

1) homeschool/unschool Sylvia (and kind of Easton too). Syl will be taking the rest of the semester of preschool off (to travel Europe-kidding!). We will see how this "teaching both kids at home" thing is going to work out, then make plans accordingly for next year. It's not going to be too crunchy, so don't worry. It's going to entail the same amount of exploring, traveling, relaxed times as we already do, but spoon in some daily lessons and weekly goals and ta-da! We are learning!

2) drop 17lbs. Ok, ok, this is a lofty goal. This is more than what'll get me to my pre-both babies weight. But hey, aren't goals supposed to be ambitious? Aren't we supposed to push ourselves to do things that we've always wanted but haven't yet achieved? I'm feeling the strongest I have in my life, but I can't seem to lose these pesky final pounds. The exercise won't change, just an adjustment of diet. Less carbs, more veggies. Ugh.

3) remember to stop, or let's be realistic, slow down.

4) take a camping trip with the family. This was on my list last year and never occurred. But this year? This is the year. I was a camping family growing up, but somehow lost my way after several trips to New Mexico resulted in the "let's just get a hotel room" mentality. I guess those long winter days in a tee pee really did me in.

5) get better at the business side pf photography. Let's face it: I suck at marketing. I feel very strong in my photography (though I know there is always ALWAYS room to grow creatively). But the upselling and the marketing and the business stuff is a definite SUCK in my book. So I need to ask for help, ask for knowledge, and expand my business in a smart way.

6) bring my camera with me more often. I have a rather expensive DSLR camera. Ok, it's totally expensive. So I leave it at home unless I'm doing business. Lately I've been bringing my back-up camera out (which is also expensive, just not as so). The difference between a point-and-shoot and a DSLR is amazing, and I miss beautiful moments all the time because I'm scared something might happen to it. Which frankly, with 2 young children, is probable.

7) take an outing once a week into the woods with the kids.

8) go on a late-night adventure twice a month with Syl. We did this a lot when Easton was a newborn to spend quality alone time. But in doing so, I got a rejuvenated love for this city. We would go sit on the cobblestone of the riverfront and throw sticks into the Mississippi, or take drives into Illinois and see the oil refinery lights. Sounds strange, but looking at these things through the eyes of a then 3 year old was inspiring.

9) write more prose.

10) travel travel travel. Near, far, alone, with friends, with the family. Just go.

And what about you, friends? Are there any events in your lives that you wish would come to fruition? Simple or life changing, writing it down can be cathartic, even if they never make it off the paper (or blog).

Here's to a new year!

The holidays

2010-12-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Oh my, thank goodness the holidays are officially done with. With our off schedules, over-stimulated children, loads of new junk to fill our house, and a plethora of bad-for-you foods, I am happy to move on with the new year. Oh crap, there's still that holiday. Well, at least there is alcohol involved with that day!! Hope your day was full of naps and smiling faces!

On the Eve of the Eve

2010-12-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

me: "How much time do you think I have?"

him: "I don't know, 20, maybe 30 minutes. Sooner since it's overcast."

me: "Ok, I'm going. I'll take the dog, just to be safe."

I speed out the back down, and immediately the cold air hits me. I know I under dressed, but I resist the urge to go back inside. I need to just go, it's so good to be out.

I walk quickly to the park, I need to warm up. My belly is full from a late lunch/early dinner, but I'm too cold to walk slow. The dog is panting, the old man dog is having a hard time keeping up with my pace, but he is also excited to be out of the gates of our yard.

We pass a few stragglers, few people exercise in the bitterness of winter. We make it to the park, the sky is deeply overcast, snow is coming, and you can sense it in the skies. We walk fast, I want to go home, but we proceed to the empty park. The trees are blank bones of their summer self, their claws reaching up sadly, strong yet exposed. It is a drab surrounding in this beautiful place, I imagine it a few months ago, on fire with yellows and reds. It is the circle of the seasons, the trees aren't sad, they are just in-between. We are in-between. Stuck inside, pleading for warmth, waiting for something.

I need to hit my adrenaline wall, it usually takes about 15 minutes. I loathe the exercise till I hate that wall, then I feel amazing. I decide to jog, even though my body is resisting. I'm sore from class last night, but I need to move. I haven't stopped moving all day, but it was the movement of children and tasks, not the movement of purpose.

The day runs over me, I allow the thoughts to enter, then they roll away. The late wake-ups, the crabby 2 year old, the emergency visit to the ped for Sylvia's sudden (and first) inner ear infection, the vomiting she did in the parking lot from the pain of said infection, the running around getting her medicine, the crankiness of a family being paraded around while sick, the jury duty summons in the mail on the eve of the Eve, the floors that never got mopped, the 4 loads of laundry cycling through, the decisions of Syl's schooling, the dirt on my car, the need for an oil change, all of it. I let all of it go. It was a long short day, a day full of nothing and everything, a day that wasn't mine. I let it all go.

I'm walking again, but quickly and with definite purpose. I pass a jogger, he is cold too. I finally regain warmth in my body, the adrenaline is here. I cross back towards the west, and there it is! The blast of orange explosion right above the horizon, the ball of mass that has eluded us for days, the beacon of hope that there will be warmth again someday! The sun comes out right before heading away, and it was amazingly brilliant. I immedialtey feel satisfied, elated that I kept walking, and totally motivated to keep going. I have more than 30 minutes, and I'm so glad my husband was wrong.

The dog is tired now, the leash fully extended behind me. I don't wait for him, I speed on. I'm on the high of exercise and sunshine and joy and luck! I get excited for the future, immediate and further on. I'm not a religious person, but I feel blessed.

As I head home, darkness is approaching and I'm ok with returning to life, life at home as mom. But I tell myself 'this is it, this is what you need to do, remember this feeling, remember how important it is to be alone and you will be ok when you are not.'

I open the back door, the kids scream my name. Syl is already pink in color again, Easton is ramming his sweet little hear of curls into the couch, they are so happy I'm home.

me: "You were so wrong, I had over an hour."

him: "oh, yeah, I guess you're right."

The night waited for me, and sun shone for me, and air was my therapy. Don't wait for it to get warm, just go. Don't wait for things to happen, start it up yourself. Don't avoid the silence, embrace it. Don't believe what they say, find out for yourself.